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Куме, чому зажурилися? - Киро, какво си се умислил? Spotykają się dwaj starzy koledzy: - Co u Ciebie? – pyta pierwszy. - Beznadziejnie! – odpowiada drugi. Wiesz, pożyczyłem znajomej 5 tysięcy na operację plastyczną i teraz nie mogę ich odzyskać. -... Jeden kolega żali się drugiemu. - Ostatnio pożyczyłem znajomej pieniądze na operację plastyczną twarzy, ale do dzisiaj mi nie oddała. - To ją znajdź! - Chciałbym, ale nie wiem jak ona teraz wygląda? Satiekas divi draugi: - Nu, kā tad iet?- Slikti. Aizdevu paziņam 5000 latu plastiskajai operācijai, bet tagad vairs nezinu kā viņš izskatās.
My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months.
Unfortunately I have no idea what she looks like these days.
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Good jokes Money jokes
Girl:
"I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be Some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up."
Me:
"Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground."
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Good jokes Couple jokes Men vs Women Jokes
A couple sits on a sofa. He has foot odor and she has Mouth odor. After a moment of awkward silence, she says,
“Paul, I have To tell you something.”
“No need,” Paul raises his hand,
“it’s OK. I Know you ate my socks.”
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An international football team flies on a charter jet
To their next tournament. It’s quite a long flight and they get bored
And decide, since it’s a charter flight, that they’re going to play some
Football on the plane.
After a while the captain is getting angry with all the yelling and
Bumping and sends his co-pilot to go out there and shut them up.
30 seconds later the co-pilot comes back and the plane is wonderfully
Silent.
“That’s awesome, how did you manage to calm them down this quickly?”
“It was no problem. I just said, ‘Listen, guys, the weather is lovely –
Why don’t you play outside for a while?’”
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Good jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes
Where do fish go to chill?
At a sаndваr.
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That awkward moment when you talk to somebody, you
Feel something wet on your face but it’s not raining.
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Майка - акула инструктира малкото си акулче как се лови човек: Учела значи старата, премъдра акула малкото акулче: Голямата акула към малката: Haifisch-Papa und Haifisch-Sohn unterhalten sich: A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans. Мама-акула учит акулёнка правильно есть людей: Ανέκδοτο Τοπ: Μπαμπάς καρχαρίας προς γιό… Маленький акуленок говорит маме: Ο μπαμπάς καρχαρίας εκπαιδεύει τον νεαρό καρχαρία Dois enormes tubarões brancos observam os sobreviventes de um naufrágio. — Siga-me, filho. — diz o tubarão pai para o filho. E nadam até os náufragos. — Primeiro vamos nadar em volta deles com apenas a ponta das nossas barbatanas aparecendo fora da água. E assim eles fizeram. — Muito bem, meu... Vater und Sohn Hai drehen ihre Runden um ein paar Schwimmer. Sagt Sohn Hai: "Wann fressen wir die"? Vater Hai: "Noch eine Runde, wenn sie sich ausgeschissen haben, schmecken sie besser!" Twee grote witte haaien zwemmen in de oceaan en spotten twee overlevenden van een gezonken schip. "Volg me zoon," zegt de vader haai terwijl ze naar de mensen toe zwemmen. "Goed gedaan zoon! Nu...
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers Properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And Then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right Away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all That shiт in their intestines?”
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Good jokes Animal Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his Company for embezzlement of many millions.
At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him:
„Don’t Worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he Didn’t have a penny anymore.
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Good jokes Lawyer Jokes
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a
Carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,”
Apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just
Think it was the horse!”
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Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where
She was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have
Switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned
Toothbrush!”
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A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of
Chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says:
“Eating
So much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies:
“My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks:
“You think he became so old because he was eating lots of
Chocolate?”
The boy answers:
“He became so old because he minded his own business.”
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Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really
Cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the
Edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a
Hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now
Totally gone.”
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Самолетът стои на пистата и се подготвя за излитане. One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot... A sala de espera estava lotada de passageiros para o vôo 171, da Gaivota's Airlines, que já estava meia hora atrasado. As aeromoças tentavam tranqüilizar os passageiros, dizendo que a equipe de vôo... All'aeroporto di Milano Malpensa, in una lunga fila di check-in di un volo Milano - New York, durante l'attesa, un passeggero nota una persona, con uniforme da pilota e con il tipico bastone bianco... Felszállás előtt a repülő utasai csodálkozva látják, hogy a kapitány egy vakvezető kutyával, fekete szemüvegben, fehér bottal botladozik a pilótafülke felé. Először mindenki arra gondol, hogy... Yolcular uçağın hemen yanı başında, bavullarını gösteriyorlar. Uçak şirketinin minibüsü yanaşmış, içinden kaptan pilot ile yardımcısı inmiş. Kaptan pilotun elinde bir beyaz baston, kolunda üç... A repülőgép lépcsőjén két pilóta egyenruhás ember lépdel fel, fekete szemüvegben, fehér bottal. Az utasok röhögése és szörnyülködése közepette elfoglalják helyüket a pilótafülkében. Végül az utasok... Na odlétací ploše letiště stojí letadlo a cestující se dívají na piloty, které vede slepecký pes, mají černé brýle a slepecké hole. „To je asi nějaká sranda,” šeptají si mezi sebou. Ale najednou... Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The... Σε μια από τις τακτικές πτήσεις μια αεροπορικής εταιρίας, οι επιβάτες έχουν ήδη επιβιβαστεί στο σκάφος και περιμένουν τους πιλότους να μπουν για να απογειωθούν. Τελικά ο κυβερνήτης και ο...
Two blind pilots get on a plane and walk right through the main aisle, sporting white canes and dark shades.
The passengers are mildly concerned but assume it’s all a joke.
The plane starts taxiing on the runway, picking up speed, rolling, barreling down, still not taking off, you can already see the end of the runway, the passengers already start panicking and screaming when the plane suddenly lifts off and all is well.
One of the pilots says to the other,
“You know what my biggest worry is? That one day they start screaming too late and we’re all gonna die.”
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Good jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes
“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that
Means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious
Discount on that car!”
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I read in the newspaper that they can train dogs now
To smell terminal illnesses in people. Imagine going for a walk with a
Dog like that!
“What a lovely dog, he seems to like me!”
“Oh, I’m deeply sorry.”
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Doctor to a patient:
"I have good and bad news for
You. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to
Live."
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."
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Доктор към пациент: Won't Be Needing These Nikes Anymore Arzt :"Schön, dass Sie wieder wach sind. Sie müssen jetzt sehr tapfer sein, ich habe eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht für Sie. Welche möchten Sie zuerst hören?" O médico chega para o paciente: — Eu tenho duas notícias para lhe dar, uma boa e outra ruim! — Qual é a ruim? — Vamos ter que lhe amputar as duas pernas. — Ai, meu Deus! Qual é a boa? — Tem um enfermeiro do turno da noite que está querendo comprar os seus sapatos! Un señor ingresa en el hospital para operarse de las piernas. Cuando despierta de la anestesia, viene el cirujano y le dice: –Tengo dos noticias que darle, una es buena y la otra me temo que es... C'est la triste histoire d'un pauvre homme qui vient d'être victime d'un accident de moto. Lorsqu'il revient à lui, le docteur anxieux lui dit : "J'ai une bonne et une mauvaise nouvelle pour vous.... Après un accident, le docteur dit à la victime : - Monsieur, j'ai deux nouvelles à vous annoncer, une bonne et une mauvaise. -Et bien commencez par la mauvaise. -Je suis désolé après votre accident... Un type arrive aux urgences après un accident de voiture. Quand il se réveille, le chirurgien est à son chevet et lui dit : - J'ai deux nouvelles à vous annoncer. Je commence par la mauvaise : j'ai... Przychodzi lekarz do pacjenta i mówi : - Mam dwie wiadomości dobrą i złą. Którą pierwszą? - Złą. Musimy panu amputować obie nogi. - A dobra? - Sąsiad z łóżka obok chce kupić pana kapcie. Lekarz przychodzi do pacjenta po ciężkim wypadku: - Mam dla Pana dobra i złą nowinę. Którą pierwszą? - Niech będzie zła - odpowiada pacjent. - Musimy amputować Panu obie nogi. - A ta dobra? -... Manden vågner op på hospitalet. Lægen siger, jeg har en god og en dårlig nyhed, hvilken en vil du have først. Stik mig den dårlige, siger manden. Den dårlige er, at vi var nødt til at amputere... Lægen kommer ind til patienten: "Jeg har en god og en dårlig nyhed." "Giv mig den dårlige først!", siger patienten. "Vi kom til at fjerne det forkerte ben." "Hvad er den gode nyhed så?", siger... Er licht een jongen in een ziekenhuis de dokter zegt ik heb goed en slecht nieuws het slechte nieuws is je benen moeten eraf. Het jongetje barst in tranen uit maar er is ook goed nieuws zegt de... Un autostopist scotian, victima a unui grav accident Rutier, isi revine in spital. - Am doua vesti a va spune, ii transmite sora. Una buna si Alta proasta. - Intii cea proasta, te rog. - O sa vi se... O médico diz para o paciente : — Eu tenho duas noticias para você, uma boa e uma ruim, qual você quer ouvir primeiro? — Comece com a pior... — Tudo bem, você teve as duas pernas que não sentia... Läkaren till patienten: - Jag har en bra och en dålig nyhet. - Vilken är den dåliga nyheten? - Att vi måste amputera ditt ben. - Vilken är den goda nyheten? - Att jag kan tänka mej att köpa dina... O médico chegou para o paciente e disse: — Eu tenho uma boa e uma péssima notícia pra te dar... — Vai doutor, me da a má noticia primeiro! — Tivemos que amputar, suas duas pernas. — E a boa notícia... Sagt der Arzt zum Patienten: "Welche Nachricht möchten Sie zuerst hören: die Gute oder die Schlecht? "Die Schlechte, bitte", antwortet der Patient. Sagt der Arzt: "Ich habe Ihnen leider den... Der Doktor zum Patient: "Ich habe eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht für Sie. Welche möchten Sie zuerst hören?" - "Tja, die Schlechte!" Der Doktor: "Wir müssen ihnen leider beide Beine... Sairaalassa leikkauksen jälkeen lääkäri sanoo potilaalle. - Meillä oli väärä potilaskortti ja nyt ois hyviä ja huonoja uutisia. Kumman haluutte ensiksi? - No, jos ne huonot nyt sitten ensin. -...
A doctor tells a patient:
“I’ve a good and a bad news For you. Which do you want to hear first?”
Patient:
“Oh no. The bad one, please.”
Doctor:
“It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient:
“And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.
Doctor grins:
“There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your Shoes!”
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After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a
Great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gаy. I’m going to make tons of
Chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when
They haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!
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Good jokes
I just read my horoscope for tomorrow:
“Everybody
Will praise you enormously, they’ll be bringing you flowers, even
Carrying you on their shoulders.”
Is it just me or does it sound suspiciously like a funeral…
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There are only two instances when people hate the
Alarm clock:
1) When it rings;
2) When it doesn’t ring.
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