Good jokes - Page 19

My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months.
Unfortunately I have no idea what she looks like these days.

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Girl:
"I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be Some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up."
Me:
"Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground."

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Good jokes Couple jokes Men vs Women Jokes

A couple sits on a sofa. He has foot odor and she has Mouth odor. After a moment of awkward silence, she says,
“Paul, I have To tell you something.”
“No need,” Paul raises his hand,
“it’s OK. I Know you ate my socks.”

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Good jokes

An international football team flies on a charter jet
To their next tournament. It’s quite a long flight and they get bored
And decide, since it’s a charter flight, that they’re going to play some
Football on the plane.
After a while the captain is getting angry with all the yelling and
Bumping and sends his co-pilot to go out there and shut them up.
30 seconds later the co-pilot comes back and the plane is wonderfully
Silent.
“That’s awesome, how did you manage to calm them down this quickly?”
“It was no problem. I just said, ‘Listen, guys, the weather is lovely –
Why don’t you play outside for a while?’”

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Good jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

Where do fish go to chill?
At a sаndваr.

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Good jokes

That awkward moment when you talk to somebody, you
Feel something wet on your face but it’s not raining.

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Good jokes

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers Properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And Then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right Away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all That shiт in their intestines?”

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Good jokes Animal Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his Company for embezzlement of many millions.
At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him:
„Don’t Worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he Didn’t have a penny anymore.

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Good jokes Lawyer Jokes

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a
Carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,”
Apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just
Think it was the horse!”

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Good jokes

Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where
She was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have
Switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned
Toothbrush!”

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Good jokes

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of
Chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says:
“Eating
So much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies:
“My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks:
“You think he became so old because he was eating lots of
Chocolate?”
The boy answers:
“He became so old because he minded his own business.”

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Good jokes

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really
Cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the
Edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a
Hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now
Totally gone.”

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Good jokes

Two blind pilots get on a plane and walk right through the main aisle, sporting white canes and dark shades.
The passengers are mildly concerned but assume it’s all a joke.
The plane starts taxiing on the runway, picking up speed, rolling, barreling down, still not taking off, you can already see the end of the runway, the passengers already start panicking and screaming when the plane suddenly lifts off and all is well.
One of the pilots says to the other,
“You know what my biggest worry is? That one day they start screaming too late and we’re all gonna die.”

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Good jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that
Means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious
Discount on that car!”

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Good jokes

I read in the newspaper that they can train dogs now
To smell terminal illnesses in people. Imagine going for a walk with a
Dog like that!
“What a lovely dog, he seems to like me!”
“Oh, I’m deeply sorry.”

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Good jokes

Doctor to a patient:
"I have good and bad news for
You. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to
Live."
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."

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Good jokes

A doctor tells a patient:
“I’ve a good and a bad news For you. Which do you want to hear first?”
Patient:
“Oh no. The bad one, please.”
Doctor:
“It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient:
“And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.
Doctor grins:
“There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your Shoes!”

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Good jokes

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a
Great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gаy. I’m going to make tons of
Chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when
They haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!

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Good jokes

I just read my horoscope for tomorrow:
“Everybody
Will praise you enormously, they’ll be bringing you flowers, even
Carrying you on their shoulders.”
Is it just me or does it sound suspiciously like a funeral…

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Good jokes

There are only two instances when people hate the
Alarm clock:
1) When it rings;
2) When it doesn’t ring.

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Good jokes