Kids Jokes

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So my wife's pregnant, and people are so idiotic. You know what people ask? They ask, 'What do you want? A little boy? A little girl?' Everything's prefaced with 'little.' Oh, jeez, no! We want the biggest thing possible. She wants to give birth to a 45-year-old plumber named Gus, some guy with a hardhat, smoking unfiltered Camels.

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At my ten-year-old’s request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod.
"I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said.
"Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said.
"What do you mean, ‘old-fashioned music’?"
"You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900's."

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Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid well hes back in town and looking for you.

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Entering first grade, I was ask by the teacher if I had learned my ABCs and could I count to 100? I answered yes I had, now can I be a Pharmacist?

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For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

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Bert and Ernie are walking down sesame street and Bert asks Ernie,
"Hey Ernie, you want to get some ice cream?"
What did Ernie say?
"Sure Bert"

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90’s kids won’t get this . . . . .
Social Security benefits.

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Kid:fuск you
Me: I know you whould

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The six year old daughter enjoyed asking questions. She enjoyed asking lots of questions. Finally, one day, the girl's mom had had enough. "Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" asked the mom.
"No," replied the girl.
"There was once a cat who was very inquisitive. One day, this cat looked into a big whole, fell in, and died!"
The little girl just stood there quietly, deep in her own thoughts. There was a pause. "So what was in the hole?"

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I’m getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.
This morning I caught my daughter imitating sеx acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.
I told her, “You’ll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that.”
She replied, “Don’t worry, Dad. He’s doing her up the shiттеr!”

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A priest was walking down the sidewalk and saw a young boy pouring a liquid back and forth between two glasses. When he asked the boy what he was playing with, the boy told him that it was sulfuric acid. Horrified the priest took our his Holy water and offered to exchange with the boy.
When the boy said no, the priest tried to convince the boy that the holy water was better by telling him he had just put some of his Holy water on the tummy of a woman and she had passed a baby. The boy said,
"That's nothing, I accidentally dropped some of this on the tail of a cat and he passed a bus."

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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What did the lazy pair of scissors say the to dotted line?
You are tear-able!

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Mrs Rosy D’Souza was going to the market in Goa where she happened to meet Father Patrick.
Father:
“Hey, you are Rosy that I got you married in Solapur, when I was posted there”.
“Yes Father” Says Rosy.
“How is your husband and the little ones ?”
“Husband is fine but so far, no children”.
Father Patrick:
“Don’t worry, child. I’m going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there.”
“Thank you, Father Patrick.”
After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again.
“So Rosy, how’s everything and what about the little ones?”
“Yes Father. I have had three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids”.
“Where is your husband ?”
“Oh, he’s gone to Rome to вlоw off that candle”.

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Two young girls were reading when one girl said to the other, "I'm never having kids."
"Why?" said the other.
And the girl replied, "Because I heard they take 9 months to download."

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A mother has realized that her three little boys have been sick lately she takes her children to the local doctor and the doctor runs some test and says the kids are low in iron in there blood so she decides to go to the local hardware store and buy some iron BBs and starts putting them in the kids food. A couple days later the youngest one come up to his mother and he tells her that he has been рissing BBs so the mom tells him not to worry bout it cause she has to iron BBs in their food so the iron levels in his blood and the youngest walks away ok with it then later that day the middle child comes up to his mother complaining about how he has been shiттing BBs and the mother tells him the same thing as the little one but then after the middle one walks away the oldest come up to her and before he says anything the mom says let me guess u have been passing BBs to and the oldest responds with no i was out behind the shed jacking off and i shot the dog

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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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Dave, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Dave picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.

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Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to рее. One says, “Your рее рее doesn’t have any skin on it!”. …
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“I’ve been circumcised.”, the other replied. … …
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“What’s that mean?” …
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“It means they cut the skin off the end.” …
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“How old were you when it was cut off?” …
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“My mom said I was two days old.” …
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“Did it hurt?”, the kid asked inquiringly. …
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“You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!”

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