Some preteens were hanging out near the entrance to the local hardware store."Let's do something dangerous," said Billy."Like what?" asked Joey."See all those brooms hanging up in the window?" answered Billy. "I dare one of you to take one of those and run out of the store."Freddy replied, "What would that prove, Billy?""How brave we are. It'll be just for fun. And we'll return it right away and apologize.""Then why don't you do it? Just go in there and grab one of those short brooms," said Joey."Aw, I was just kidding, guys," replied Billy. "I'm not a whisk taker!" 0 0 0
Just had the following conversation in a restaurant.Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please. 0 0 0
After picking up my kindergartner today, I asked him. Steven were you good today? Yeah Mom. He replied. I said, are you sure? Yes mom, I'm sure.Well I hope you didn't make your teacher cry today, did you? Still trying to pick it out of him. I said, now you know that Jesus see's you if you're bad or not. Then he looked over at me while getting distressed.He said, Well let Jesus tell you if I was bad or not!!! 0 0 0
My daughter loved the movie "The Wizard of Oz" and wanted a pair of ruby slippers just like Dorothy. My wife found a pair that were perfect, except they were very slippery on the stairs.I told my daughter not to wear them when she was using the stairs. While sitting in my living room I heard the clomp, clomp, clomp of what I knew to be ruby slippers. I yelled up at my daughter saying, "I thought I told you not to wear those shoes on the stairs?"She replied, "Daddy, I am just carrying my shoes downstairs with my feet." 0 0 0
A priest lost his rooster and he comes to church and says anyone here see a соск? All the women raise their hands. "I'm not talking about that kind", he says. Then he says,"Anyone here have a соск?" All the men raise their hands he says,"Again, I'm not talking about that kind!" Then he says,"Anyone in here see my соск?" All the kids then raise their hands. 0 0 0
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of suскing his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop suскing your thumb, your stomach is going to вlоw up like a balloon."Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing." 0 0 0
I once saw a kid wearing a white T-shirt with a caption that read " Turn down for what? " In the front so I followed him until the time was right i took a marker and wrote all the reasons to turn down on the back!*kickass if u got it! 0 0 0
Teacher: Ok class, what comes after 69?Cool kid: MouthwashMe: Says the one that won't get anythingCool kid: Suск my assMe: Not until you shave it Bigfoot 0 0 0
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said,"Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!” 0 0 0
My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers?"One girl knew. "Because it might be past the sell-by date." 0 0 0
If a guy tells you that he's a jеrк, you should probably listen. 'Cause they tell you right off the bat, don't they girls? 'Listen, I'm a jеrк. I'm no good for you.' What happens to us? We turn into a little kid:'La-la-la-la! I can't hear you!' 0 0 0
Don't you hate it when a kid in your class acts all smart and everything. So in class one day after they get done being a sмаrтаss, say...Unless your name is Google stop acting like you f*cking know everything because you don't. 0 0 0
Certain large people should not wear certain clothing. That's all there is to it. She was wearing one of those designer sweatshirts that say 'Guess' written across the front. Four or five kids behind me go, '250?''275?' 0 0 0
People always ask me that really romantic question:'Do you remember the precise moment you proposed to your wife?''Oh yeah, right after I got the test results.' 0 0 0
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park.Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum."There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?""Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets" 0 0 0
My all-time favorite movie was the Alfred Hitchcock movie, 'The Birds.' I saw it with my older brother. We get home that night -- I went to bed; he opened up all the windows and poured croutons on me. 0 0 0
I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, 'I am the man. I am a drinker.' And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, 'I got away with it.' And the toilet said, 'No you didn't. Get over here and pray to me, вiтсh.' 0 0 0
"Where is Pearl Harbor?" I asked my fourth-grade history class. "Here’s a hint... It’s a place where everyone wants to go."One student blurted out, "Candy Land!" 0 0 0