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Kids Jokes

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Kid- Be f*ckin carefull what you say or ill squash you to the size of a ticktack
You-your like a bag of pampers, self absorbed and full of shit
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College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
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I took on a summer job this year. I'm working down at the beach here, and I'm a lifeguard. Of course, I'm working on commission. 'Hey, you kids, go play in the riptide. Go on there. Daddy needs a new CD.'
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A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you sтuрid? Are you an idiот? Out of your mind? Are you rетаrdеd?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
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I know where my daughter is every night. She's with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don't know what's going on in there -- like, I think there's a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.
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My husband, a big-time sports fаn, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.
“You know,” he said to our grandson, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Our grandson said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”
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An economist asked,
"When was beef the highest?"
A 6 year old replied, "When the соw jumped over the moon?"
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A man went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked,
"My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"
The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"
The man went home to his wife and said to her, "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"
His wife was stumped and said,
"I don't know, who?"
The man responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."
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Five-year-old Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the 'ch' sound, which came out sounding like a 'k' sound. The therapist asked him to say chicken. His response sounded more like kitchen.
They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try.
Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we just call it a duck?”
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Just bought a really cheap umbrella that has just fell to bits. I wish kids in 3rd world would take more pride in their work.
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I just joined the Big Brother program recently. The very first question that lady asked me over the phone was, 'Well what race do you want him to be?' So just to mess with her, I said, 'I don't care what race he is, just so long as when I pick him up, he's wearing something sеxy.'
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I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten -- for smoking рот. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody.
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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation, and he puts up a sign that reads:
“Warning! One of these watermelons contains cyanide!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:
“Now there are two!”
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I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt.
"Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"
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I found a red sleeping mask in the bin as a kid.
I cut eye holes in it, cellotaped it around my head and ran around the house calling myself ‘The Crimson Defender’.
My sister used to think it was hilarious, but insisted on calling me Rаghеаd.
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My grandfather invited me to pick pine nuts with him. We went to the same place he took me jack rabbit hunting as a kid. He told me when the nuts get ripe, the cones opens up and they fall on the ground. He said all we have to do is pick them up.
After a few hours of picking I said,
"Grandpa, do know the new technique they use these days sort out the best ones?"
He said,
"No, what is it?"
I said,
"You put them in water and if they float they're not going to taste so good!"
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Teacher: What's 5 plus 3?
Student: Um... I don't know?
Teacher: You silly boy, it is 8.
Student: Wait... yesterday you said that 4 and 4 was 8?!?!
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A lady goes to the store and got shot three times. Nthe lady was still alive and she was going to have kids. When the kids were born ( 1 boy and 2 girls) one bullet was inside each kid. When the kids got older, the first girl says mom! The weirdest thing happened to me today! The mom say what? The girl says i pooped a bullet! Mom told her why. The second girl says mom guess what! The mom says you pooped a bullet. The girl says yes and mom told her why. The boy says mom guess what! Mom says you pooped a bullet. The boy says no i was playing with my diск and i shot the dog!!!!
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If a young girl asks you if you like kids, she is curious. Older woman asks you if you like kids, you know what that really means? She has some kids!
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We picked out kinda old fashioned names for our kids. Our little boy is Hunter, and our little girl is Gatherer.
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