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Kids Jokes

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Why do the street signs that say "SLOW CHILDREN" have a picture of running child?
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The Doctor, after examining the lady who had been brought into the EMERGENCY ROOM, said to the husband:
"I'm afraid your wife is not looking well."
The husband replied, "I agree with you Doc, but she is a good cook and is great with the kids."
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One of my sisters is pregnant for the fifth time. Spent 10 minutes with her four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.
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We had a daughter not that long ago, a little baby daughter named Sophia. We're nowhere near mature enough to be parents. I'm positive of that. After her first feeding, she passed out, so we wrote on her.
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It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
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The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
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What do you call a black kid on a bike?
Thief
Why don't you hit a black kid on a bike?
It might be your bike.
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I was raised by people that wear lime green polyester pants and white vinyl shoes, and I thought that this was endemic to my race 'til I saw a black man wearing red polyester pants and white vinyl shoes. Then I realized -- bad taste knows no color barrier.
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I know there are a lot of wonderful adopted children, but they're not on the Jerry Springer show, OK? And that's the show that I watch.
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"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the
Mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much
About canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If
He knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
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They adopted a bunch of us. There's a bunch of adopted kids. It's like they were collecting us or something, like Star Wars figures. They bought us in twos. It suскеd for my brother 'cause they kept him in the box. They had to: he came with the helmet and the backpack; he was limited edition.
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BULLY- Oh you wear a size XXL (crowd laughs)
KID- No that's the size of my condoms.
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What did the kid say to his mom when he saw a man in a wheelchair?
Mommy, why did that transformer break halfway through.
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I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to “be cool”.
As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, “Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?”
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I called up and said, 'Mom, a вuм yelled at me on the street and said something horrible to me.' You know what she says to me? 'Write the вuм a letter. Tell the вuм how you feel. Get all the rage out, Jessie. But don't send it, it's for you.' Where am I supposed to send the letter, can you please tell me that?
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A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as “doing the laundry” so their kid’s wouldn’t know what was up.
One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, “Honey, let’s do some laundry.”
“Not now,” she said, “I’ve had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little t. V.”
“OK,” he says, “I’m gonna go take a nap.”
Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby in the bedroom.”I’ve changed my mind, let’s do some laundry ” she said.
“Sorry,” said the husband, “but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand.”
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Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"
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Teacher:
"Lean, how old were you on your very last birthday?"
Lean:
"Seven."
Teacher:
"Then how old will you be on your next birthday?"
Lean:
"Nine."
Teacher:
"That's impossible!"
Lean:
"No, teacher, I'm 8 today!"
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Teacher: Guess what?
Class: WHAT?!
Teacher: I'm going to have a baby!
Class: How?!
Kid: She had SЕX!
Class:What's that?
Kid: Where the doorknob goes into the рussy cat.
Class: Oooh.
Teacher: That's enough!
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A kid was a very good painter. Once a neighbor broker her nails while trying to pick-up a $100 bill lying on the ground because it looked so real.
She called the kid’s father and complained about the kid. The father said, “That’s nothing. My son drew a switch on the power socket yesterday and now I am in the hospital.”
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