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Kids Jokes

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From Facebook:
“Dirтy dishes prove i feed my child, messy floors prove that i let my kid have fun, piles of clothes prove i keep my child in clean clothes, a messy bathroom proves that i bath my child! So next time you walk into my house and see a mess, think twice before you judge!!! keep this going if u r a parent”
I just thought it meant you were a useless, lazy slаg.
What do I know.
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I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth because a newborn is about the size of a basketball. And if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again -- not even on weekends.
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I named my kids after the place they were conceived.
Although I’m almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn’t mine.
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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My friend: you where a mistake your parents didn't want a kid like you!
Me: well at least I wasn't born on a interstate where accidents happen!!!!!
Other friends: OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!
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Dоuсhе Kid: You're fat
Fat Guy: Im fат, you're ugly, I can loose weight, you can't fix your face in anyway.
Douche Kid: (silence)
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An asylum seeker is at the side of the road eating grass.
A man pulls up in his car and says, “Hey! Don’t eat that. Come home with me and I’ll feed you.”
The asylum seeker replies, “I have four wives and twelve kids, can they come too?”
The man says, “Fсuк off, I’ve only got a small lawn!”
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Teacher: Hey kiddo, stop playing with you're glasses. Geez, you would look so nice without glasses.
Kid: Yeah, and we would be so smart and not bored if we had a teacher who's actually smart and funny/
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Newly Married
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they’d rented from the groom’s parents.
That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.
“Tony, listen!” she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
The wife said, “Come on, Tony! Let’s make love!”
So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and they ‘did’ it.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.
“Come on, Tony!” said the wife. “Let’s make love again!”
Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and ‘did’ it again.
As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.
“Come on, Tony!” said the wife. “Let’s do it again!”
So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, “Hey, kids, cut it out!
You’re killing your old man down here!”
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(Kangaroo peeks into a mans pants) "WOW your kid is so small!"
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My mom says to me all the time, she goes, 'Tami, you haven't met the right guy yet because you don't wear enough lipstick or rouge.' Rouge! I'm not sure if you guys know, but this isn't even a product on the market anymore.
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Chuck Norris once high-fived a kid on Halloween. The kid's name was Neil Armstrong. He landed on the moon.
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Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late." Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.
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I'm not saying I'm addicted but I've cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disney Land.
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When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night. She would get these cravings for other men.
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KID 1: That's why you don't have any friends now
KID 2: The only time you hang out with yours is when you look in the mirror
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A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?"
"Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."
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Simple Comeback
Jerk: YOUR GАУ!!!
Kid: Your Girlfriend Would Disagree.
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What I'm saying is we were poor, people. I mean, blues singers would show up at our house when they had writer's block -- that's how poor we were.
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Q. What is pink and fluffy?
A. Pink Fluff
Q. Whats purple and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath.
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