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Kids Jokes

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“I’m concerned that every time I see your son, he’s playing with himself.” his teacher said.
“Come on, we all like a wаnк.” I said.
“I mean all the other kids hate him.”
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My wife and I had a long talk recently. We decided we don't want to have any kids, and then we decided we probably should have had that talk before we had one.
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My wife and I are discussing whether we're going to spank our child or not. I say wait 'til she does something wrong.
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A mother was talking to her three year-old daughter about animals.
The mother asked,
"How does the соw sound?"
The three year old said,
"Moo!"
The mother asked,
"How does a duck sound?"
The three year old answered,"Quack!"
The mother asked,
"How does a frog sound?"
The three year old said,
"Bud!!!"
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Teacher: What is an island?
Student : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.
Teacher : On one side?
Student : Yes, on top!
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Do the toys in Toy Story bury their dead or do they just have to watch the kids play with dead toy corpses?
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I рissеd in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
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Dear Son,
Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.
There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the dаrn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.
Take care of yourself son.
Your Maw
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What do you do with a Jewish kid that has ADD? A: Send him to a concentration camp
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There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this math class," he said.
One of the kids rasies his hand, "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.
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I got the four kids and a wife, which is five more than I wanted.
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It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.
At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician,
“Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”
“Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”
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Every time I see a politician on the campaign trail, they make all kinds of promises they have no intention of living up to. Basically, our election system has become a more sophisticated version of that game you used to play with your dog when you were a kid, where you'd take a tennis ball and fake throw it and watch him run out and try to find it. 'What is that? Is that healthcare? You want healthcare, don't you? Go get it!'
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I went to my local cafe today for lunch and apologized to the waitress for bringing my pet goat.
She said it's OK today but it won't be allowed in future.
She asked me what I would like for lunch, I said "steak with fries and the Kid Special."
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My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.'
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As I was going to visit a friend, I saw my neighbor’s little child at the street corner holding two dollars and crying. I asked him, ”Junior, what is the matter?”
He replied, ”My mummy gave me one dollar to buy sugar and one dollar to buy soy milk, and now I can't remember which dollar is for sugar and which dollar is for the milk.”
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Kid: Go Fuск yourself
Kid2: at least I can say the alphabet, you choke on the d Everybody else: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Did you hear about the little Polish kid who got diarrhea? He thought he was melting.
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Who's вiggеr, Mr. Вiggеr or his baby?
A:The baby -- he's a little Вiggеr.
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*texting a friend*
Me: Hey what's up?
Friend: NOthiNg MucH.
Me: Um, ok. Did you hear about the new kid?
Friend: YeAH hE's iN mY sEcoND HoUr.
Me: dude, I think your cap locks is having a seizure.
Friend: nO iT'S nOt.
Me: Check again, and this time actually look at your phone, not your diск. It's never gonna grow long enough.
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