Kids Jokes

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Lisa ask Peter, "What are you eating? Are those apple pips?"
Peter replies,
"Yes! And you know what? These are very special ones, they give you knowledge and wisdom."
Lisa asks, "Oh wow, can I have some please?"
Peter answers, "Sure, but it’s 2.50, remember, they’re special."
Lisa agrees, eats the pips and says,
"Hey, I can’t say that I feel any special knowledge or wisdom!"
Peter smiles, "Really? But now you know that pips are really just pips and next time, you will be wise enough not to fall for a sтuрid trick like this."

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A ten-year-old boy comes to his mom and asks her for a snack.
“Sure thing, darling, but first, what’s the magic word?”
“Wow,” the boy shakes his head, “they really put a password on everything these days!”

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“Mummy, could you give me two dollars for this old man on the street?”
“Oh darling, of course, you’re so nice to think of other people. Where is he?”
“There on the corner, selling ice cream for two dollars.”

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What begins with a T, ends with a T and even has T inside it?
A TeapoT.

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Teacher:
"Patrick, you are an hour and a half late for school. What in the world?!"
Student:
"Sorry sir, I had to say bye to all my pets."
Teacher:
"An hour and a half?!"
Student:
"Well it is quite a big ant farm…"

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Teacher: Marvin, please go outside the door and stay there.
Marvin: Why?
Teacher: Because your jabbering is very disruptive and nobody wants to listen to it.
Marvin: Then perhaps you should come along with me.

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What can smell without a nose?
A fаrт.

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Three doves are sitting in a tree.
Suddenly they spot an airplane in the distance. One nudges the other:
- ”Look at that! That is fast!”
The other looks at him:
“You’d be too I if your вuтт was on fire.“

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A lady walks into a shop in a mall and addresses the shop assistant, “Hi. I really need a stronger pair of glasses.”
“Oh yeah you do,” says the shop assistant, “this is a bakery.”

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“One egg asks another egg:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“’Cause I’m a kiwi.”

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Doctor:
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Patient:
“Yes. It looked like an angry rope.

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An ant saw an elephant running towards him. He was afraid that the elephant would step on him. What did the ant do?
He quickly hid behind a tree, waited and then tripped the elephant up.

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Two neighbors are chatting and one says, “You know, Jim, you have such a teeny, tiny dog. Why the heck do you have a sign saying ‘Beware of the dog’?”
Jim says, “Basically I don’t want anybody to stumble over him.”

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What is every pirate’s favorite letter?
(Everyone answers Arrr)
Yeah, you’d think it’s R, but it’s really C!

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Antonia buys 5 chocolate bars. Her friend Julie asks her for 2 of them. How many chocolate bars does Antonia end up with?
Answer: Five. Antonia is quite a greedy girl.

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How does a school differ from an insane asylum?
Different phone numbers.

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Teacher cracks down on Little Johnny:
“Come now, Johnny! Admit it. You had your parents help you with the homework, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny replies:
“Absolutely not. They did it all by themselves!“

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Have I told you the joke about the roof?
Actually, never mind, it would be way over your head!

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What button is it impossible to unbutton?
The belly button!

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Mommy, do you know if God has to go to the toilet too?
No child. Of course not. What makes you think this way?
Well grandpa knocked on the bathroom door this morning and said:
“Oh God! Please hurry up!”

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