Life Jokes - Page 5

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
She has waited so long…
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really don’t want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

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It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

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Political Jokes News and Politics Jokes Science jokes Life Jokes Phone jokes

Can I help you?
No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.

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Life Jokes

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

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Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A tourist was watching an Indigenous man sending smoke signals.
Everything around him was primitive, except of a latest model fire extinguisher.
"What's the fire extinguisher for?" the tourist wondered.
"It's for erasing the misspellings!"

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Men jokes Life Jokes

Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.

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Life Jokes

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"

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Religion jokes Life Jokes

You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.
You know what that means?
You Matter.

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Life Jokes

The man pulled over to the side of the road when he saw the police lights in his rear view mirror.
“How long have you been riding around without a tail light?” asked the officer.
“Oh, no!” screamed the man, jumping out of the car.
“Calm down, it isn’t that serious.” said the officer.
“Wait’ll my family finds out.”
“Where’s your family?”
“They’re in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a sсrеw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the sсrеw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one sсrеw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemized bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
- Turning of one sсrеw: $1.00.
- Knowing which sсrеw to turn: $99,999.00.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Life Jokes Superhero Jokes Boss Jokes

There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that goo off of your chinsky."
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown.
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better.
Than a bomb in a letter.
Given the choice of how to be blown.

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Political Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards.

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Life Jokes

Life is like a box of chocolate.
It doesn't last long for fат people.

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Chocolate Jokes Fat Jokes Life Jokes

Q: Why is life like a реnis?
A: Women make it hard!

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Life Jokes

A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

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Men jokes Life Jokes

1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"
2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."
1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"

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Life Jokes

Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Life Jokes

Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."

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Life Jokes

Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?
It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...

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Life Jokes

Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs.
Apparently none of them could sing, either.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Life Jokes