Chocolate Jokes

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

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A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suск the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

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Food Jokes Chocolate Jokes

I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is Life on Mars.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Chocolate Jokes

(Husband) Honey bunches, since you want me to loose a little weight I’m going to try some of those low calorie chocolate favored drinks.
(Wife) Really? That’s great cuddle bear! You do realize dumpling they’re only used as a meal replacement right?
(Husband) What are you talking about Sandra?
(Wife) What I'm saying is you can’t use them to wash down chilly cheese fries, Frank!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Q. How can you tell that God is a man?
A. Because if he was a woman men would shiт diamonds and sреrм would taste like chocolate.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes

Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his аss, chocolate sprinkles on his реnis and strawberry sauce on his воllоскs.
Police think he topped himself.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Police Officer Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Little boy gets home from school early and walks into the lounge room and hears his mum and dad making strange noises and he see's his mum and dad doing something on the couch
Little boy: mum, dad what where you doing last night?
Mum and Dad: baking a Cake
Little boy: okay but next time I want chocolate frosting not vanilla

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School Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Chocolate Jokes

As a dentist, I recently tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on my patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy. While I polished his teeth, he continued to smile and liск his lips. "You must really like this new flavor," I said.
"Yep," he replied, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in the sandbox."

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Kids Jokes Chocolate Jokes Dentist Jokes

Our local ice cream store likes to be creative with new names for flavors, but i think they have gone to far with their latest... Chocolate Chip Chipotle.

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Food Jokes Chocolate Jokes

A duck sees a pig eating something.
“What are you eating?”
“A chocolate cake”
“Why does it smell like shiт then?”
“I’m eating it for the third time”

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Animal Jokes Chocolate Jokes

How do you confuse a fат nymphomaniac?
Buy her a big chocolate dildо.

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Chocolate Jokes Fat Jokes

Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Chocolate Jokes

What is a French cat's favorite dessert?
Chocolate mousse.

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Animal Jokes Chocolate Jokes

How can you tell that a blonde been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells all over the floor.

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Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Chocolate Jokes Stupid Jokes

Imagine, there are on the bus only 5 persons:
A busman, an old woman, two younger women and one man.
The old woman comes to the busman and tells him:
"Dear busman, would you like to eat a few hazelnuts?"
The busman says:
"Yes, why not?"
He takes the hazelnuts from her hand and eats them.
This repeats even two times, but when the old woman offers other hazelnuts to the busman for the fourth time, the busman asks this old woman:
"Madame, where do you take all these hazelnuts from? It is a real amount and I am already full."
The old woman only says:
"You know, dear busman, I have bought the chocolate with hazelnuts, the hazelnuts are very hard for my dental plate, so I have suскеd them all out, brought it to you and you have already eaten them all."

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Dentist Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Chuck Norris made sick the healthy chocolate.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any floaties, ie... backwash.
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person - period!
5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about воdily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"
And #1... Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

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Marriage and Family Jokes Chocolate Jokes

I was out in the garden with my obese wife looking up at the stars with our telescope ‘she said it’s amazing I can see all the galaxies!’
I said ‘stop pointing the telescope at the chocolate shop and look at the dамn stars!’

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Chocolate Jokes Fat Jokes

Can’t believe how dangerous healthy eating can be. Just cut myself peeling an apple, think I will stick to chocolate bars in the future.

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Chocolate Jokes

A gingеr lady at work recently announced that she was having a baby with her black boyfriend. When discussing possible baby names my suggestion of “Terry the Chocolate Orange” was apparently ‘offensive’ could lead to me getting ‘fired’.

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Office and Work Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Last night I made my wife come in two seconds.
I held out a chocolate bar.

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Chocolate Jokes Fat Jokes

I said to my wife last night, “Can you imagine, being with a man who worked in a chocolate shop, who had chocolate on him at all times, but never let you have any, just because he didn’t like it?”
“That would be awful.” She replied, “Totally selfish behaviour.”
“Exactly, any chance of sеx tonight?”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Chocolate Jokes

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

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Chocolate Jokes

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
He didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

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Animal Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority ….
…..
Amanda Mount …
Anita B Jaynow …
Anita Bath ….
Anita Longerman ….
Anita Mandelay ….
Anna Reksik ….
Annie Position
Annie Rection
Are Soles to You
Arfur Foulkesaycke
Ben Derhover
Ben Timover
Betty Swallocks
Chit Hot
Chocolate Starfish
Choke the Chicken
Curl One Off
Dick Face
Harry Azzol
Harry Balls
Harry Monk
Hugh G Dildeaux
Hugh G Rection
Hugh Gass Kisser
Hugh Gorgy
Hugh Janus
Ima Hoare
Ima Goodlay
Ima P Ness
Ima Rapist
Ivanna Humpalot
Ivanna Threesome
Ivanna Tinkle
Jack Schitt
Major B Oner
Norfolk Enchants
OilBeefHooked
Pee Nesenvy
Willie Be Hardigan
Spank The Monkey
The Fokker
The Gobbler

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Sports Jokes Chocolate Jokes Military Jokes Superhero Jokes

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

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Aviation Jokes Chocolate Jokes Pilot Jokes Coffee Jokes

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

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Old People Jokes Chocolate Jokes

An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says,
"Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

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Old People Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Got myself a Greek advent calendar today. Behind every door there’s a note saying “IOU chocolate”.

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Political Jokes Chocolate Jokes

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you rетаrd!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it frucking’ Wrong.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes