Marriage and Family Jokes

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My wife has been acting strange lately. She hasn’t been cooking or cleaning and she is certainly not what she use to be in the bedroom.
I took her to the doctors and after a while they managed to explain it nice and simply to me.
The funeral is next week.

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My man tried to leave me for talking too much, but I talked him out of it.

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“Tell me when you’ve come,” I panted to my wife as I pumped away.
“1987 and twice in 1993.” she said.

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I feel safe sharing secrets with my husband, as I know he will not share them with anyone.
How can I be so sure?
Because he never listens to me.

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I got in a big fight with my girlfriend. She's really immature. She sleeps with this big sтuрid teddy bear. I told her, 'I can't believe you're 25, and you sleep with a sтuрid teddy bear.' She goes, 'So what? You sleep in your pajamas.' And I go, 'A lot of guys sleep in their pajamas.' She goes, 'Yeah, but you sleep in your bedroom slippers, too.' See what I mean? She's so sтuрid. I don't have any choice because they're sewn into the pajamas.

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A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
"I forgot your phone number," he said.
"You could’ve looked it up in the phone book."
"I didn’t know what name to look under."

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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sеxy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toyboy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

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This is what I realized about women: women don't want a nice guy right away. See, I am a nice guy. I'm like ready-made cookies. I'm Flips 'Ahoy -- out of the box, ready to date.

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My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.

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At the marriage retreat, Ben and Mary are given a test. They have to write a sentence with the words ‘love’ and ‘sеx’ in it.
Mary writes:
“When two people are passionately and deeply in love and respect each other very much, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sеx.”
Ben writes:
“I love sеx”

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The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was explicit:
"He's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
"Тuт, тuт!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving your assertions."
"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
The husband interrupted angrily:
"Yes she did too," he shouted. "She did so!"

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Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter воllоскs.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling…
All she gave up was fuскing sеx.

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This fellow showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard.
“What happened to you?” a co-worker asked.
“I was up nearly all night,” the man said. “My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became historical.”
“You mean hysterical,” the co-worker replied.
“No, historical,” the man said. “She went over absolutely everything I’ve done wrong over the last twenty-five years.”

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A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Неll.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Неll.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said “I try to be good - I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said “No, I did this bad thing, I won’t make it.” So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn’t saying anything. And they looked at her and said “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’re going to Heaven…?”
She says “No, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Неll!”
They were shocked and asked Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?”

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At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates.
The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked,
“Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me
To stand here.”

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Before we got married, she was like a good health plan -- I had full coverage, you know what I'm saying? Once we got married, she turned into a HMO, selective coverage. I'm like, 'Hey, you keep this up, I'm going to have to go outside the network.'

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A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him.
The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" the friend asks.
"My life insurance policy."

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Y our honor, ” explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.”
“All right, what is your age?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And the age of the bride?”
“She’s 15, sir.”
“15??? That’s too young - marrying you would be against the law!”
“I see, ” said the young man. “Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”

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The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.
I call it a staff… but really it’s just a big stick I use to beat her with.

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The wife suggested we ‘swap roles’ in bed tonight, but I’m not keen.
I don’t think I could fuск without moving.

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