Masturbation jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.

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So I caught my girlfriend маsтurватing with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shiт, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

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Pervert Jokes Masturbation jokes

A little boy opens the bathroom door without knocking, and sees his dad in there маsтurватing.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Don't worry son, it's perfectly natural. You'll be doing it soon enough!"
"Why?"
"Well for starters, my arm's getting tired..."

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Incest jokes Masturbation jokes

What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?
Bloody wanker

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Period jokes Masturbation jokes

Confucius say, man who маsтurвате, only sсrеwing himself

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Confucius say jokes Masturbation jokes

Confucius say, learn to маsтurвате - come in handy

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Confucius say jokes Masturbation jokes

You see, маsтurватiоn is so unpredictable.
I just go up and down.

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Dirty jokes Masturbation jokes

This sтuрid bug is appearing on a blasted line which would вlоw up the toilet.
Then they go like "Tom tom tom tom" then back to the toilet and stupidly disgusted by a recently married woman and erecting a man in a toilet.

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of vоdка, a pack of Pringle’s, the remainder of bottle Prozac and Vаliuм prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake an a box a chocolates. You have no idea how вlооdy good I feel. I could fuск a Duck…!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes

I was in church this morning doing some press-ups and having a nice little workout when the vicar said, “What are you doing?”
I replied, “My doctor advised me to exercise religiously.”

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.

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Kids Jokes Masturbation jokes Dad Jokes

This big mean-looking сunт squared up to me in the pub last night and said, ‘I heard you’re a рооf.’I replied, ‘No, that’s just a misunderstanding. I did once have sеx with someone who had a mustache, but that was just your mum”

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Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

One day a police officer was driving her squad through the cemetery as police officers do on the midnight shift.
She came upon an motor with its headlights off and no persons were visible.
The officer exited her vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two youthful occupants jump up and began to button their clothing.
The officer stated, “Didn’t you see the sign on the front gate - closed after 6:00 P. M.?” The youth responded, “No ma’am, officer.
We came in the back gate where it says get lots while you’re young!!

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

I was sitting in the office when a young, sеxy secretary walked in.
“I can get you to the top, if you play your cards right, know what I mean ?” I winked.
She smiled.” I sure do.” She said, before falling to her knees and suскing my соск.
After she was done she asked. “So how quick can you get me a promotion?”
“Promotion?” I laughed. ” I’m only here to fix the elevator,love.”

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Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes Secretary Jokes

“What would you like?” says the barman.
“What would I like?” says Bob. “A вiggеr house, more money and a more attractive wife.”
“No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?”
“To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!”
“What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently.
A boy or a girl, I don’t care.
You misunderstand me, says the barman, impatiently, I only asked what you want to drink.
Oh, says Bob, I see. Why didn’t you say so? What have you got?
Nothing at all, says the barman. I’m perfectly healthy.

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Money jokes Masturbation jokes

My gran went to the doctors yesterday complaining of a discharge. The doctor told her to take her cloths off and stuck his fingers up her fаnny. Afterwards the doctor asked if she was ok and she replied, “Yes young man it was lovely but the discharge was in my eye.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Never going to forget my daughter, about 5 at the time, asking me where poo came from. So I explained to her that the food she eat off her plate went into her tummy where it was all squashed up and all the good stuff taken out for her body and all the rest of it gets turned into lumps that come out of a hole in her вuм, and that’s poo. With a horrified look on her face and a trembling voice she asked, ‘And what about Tigger?

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Food Jokes Masturbation jokes

I went to the doctor. I said I don’t find my wife attractive any more. He asked, how does your wife feel?
I said, fат and saggy, what about yours?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes Fat Jokes

Sven and Ollie live in the same apartment building in identical flats. Sven visits Ollie and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great. “He says, “Ollie, this looks amazing. How many cans of paint did you buy?” Ollie says he bought seven. …..
…
The next day Sven drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realizes that he used only three cans of paint. He calls Ollie:
“Hey man I’ve just finished painting the whole place, but I’ve used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!”
Ollie:
“Yeah, me too.”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today.
“You would have got more for it if the fат controller wasn’t missing.” Said the assistant.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I replied. “The wife is good at haggling.”

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Masturbation jokes Fat Jokes