Masturbation jokes

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Three girlfriends are talking about their partners.
“Every time I sтrоке Frank’s ваlls they’re freezing cold,” says Sandra.
“Wow, same for me,” says Angie. “Every time I sтrоке Dave’s ваlls they’re practically frozen.”
Susie says very little the whole evening, but when they all meet up a week later she’s wearing large sunglasses to hide a black eye.
“What happened to you?” asks Sandra.
“I wish I knew,” says Susie. “All I did was ask my Bob why his ваlls were as cold as Frank’s and Dave’s .

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Went to the Apple store and saw they had a sign in the window:
“Apply within.”
Well, what the fuск else is it going to be inside? Orangy?

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After my girlfriend had given birth to our son, the midwife smiled at me and said, “Do you have a name?”
I said, “Yes, it’s Dave.”
“Dave is a lovely name,” she replied.
I said, “Thanks, what do you think we should call the baby?”

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I don’t usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father and stands next to him eating a cake whilst he’s having his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says “You’re going to get some hair on your muffin!”
The little girl replies “Yes I know and I’m going to get тiтs as well!”

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I don’t care how much you liked the smell of the soap…….
…… Never walk out of a public restroom smelling your fingers.

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An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.” Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect аss.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the dамn necklace.”

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Over dinner last night my date asked me, “So, do you have any guilty pleasures?”
I replied, “Sure, but I’d be too embarrassed to tell you.”
She said, “Don’t be shy! Tell you what, you tell me yours and then I’ll tell you mine!”
I said, “Okay, here goes. Sometimes when I’m маsтurватing I like to stick a couple of fingers up my аrsе. If I’m feeling really кinкy I use my whole fist. Okay, now it’s your turn to tell me!”
She replied, “Erm, The Carpenters and Billy Joel…

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A little boy hurts his finger, runs in the house, and calls out to his mother. “Oh,” she says, “let me get a band-aid for that.”
“No!” cries the boy, “Cider!”
“Cider?” the mother exclaims. “What on earth do you want cider for?”
“Because,” he explains, “Sis says whenever she gets a рriск in her hand, she likes to put it in cider.”

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I was in McDonald’s and this fit young girl took my order.
“I can make it large for you for an extra 30p,” she said sweetly.
“You already have, love” I replied, “so how about a wаnк for a pound?”

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My girlfriend’s jealousy is really getting out of hand…. The other day she looked at my calendar and grew angry because she wanted to know who “May” was.

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I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

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My girlfriend said, “Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?”
I said, “Yeah, definitely. Let’s call your mum and tell her you’ve died.”

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I saw Subways lunch offer today -
‘£3 - Choose between 9 Subs and a Drink’
Erm… Fuскing 9 Subs please.

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‘North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US’
At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

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I walked into the shop and the girl behind the counter said, “Sorry, no dogs.”
“That’s OK, I brought my own. It’s actually cigarettes I’m looking for?”

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My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.
As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.
As she pulled my соск out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, “Before you stick that in there, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Dont worry about a соndом, I’m on the pill,” she smiled.
“I was talking about my fuскing coffee,” I replied.

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I walked into the DIY shop. “Excuse me,” I asked, “have you got any 6 inch screws?”
“Only what we’ve got on the shelf,” replied the cashier, pointing.
I don’t know why he’s selling these, I thought to myself as I unscrewed them and the shelf fell down.

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Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said “be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity ”
So I left without paying.

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I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
“Oh yes, quite a few”, the Librarian said.
“Sorry to hear that”, I replied. “They’ll all be ruined by now”.

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