Men jokes - Page 123

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Men jokes Hairdresser Jokes

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

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Men jokes

Once Chuck Norris met a man on a horse that he didn't like, now we know him as the headless horseman.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

The boogie man checks his closet at night for Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

They put one man on the moon.
Why can’t they put them all there?

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.
‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.
‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.

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Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

"I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me more than half year."
"Are you sтuрid? It's a dream of every man."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Sаinт Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Sаinт Peter explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “sure, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly!” said Sаinт Peter. “When people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed!”

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Religion jokes Men jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Sаinт Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Sаinт Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Sаinт Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Sаinт Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”

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Men jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Sаinт Peter required them to present something related to Christmas.
The first man pulled off his sweater and handed it to Sаinт Peter.
“This sweater is made from virgin wool. You know, like Mary was a virgin.”
“Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m feeling lenient,” Sаinт Peter replied. “You can go on in.”
The second man quickly scratched on a business card and handed it to Sаinт Peter. “Before I died, I was a manager,” he said. “But I scratched off the second ‘a,’ and now it says ‘manger.'”
Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s really a stretch. But since I let the other guy in, I suppose you can go in as well.”
The third man pulled out a pair of women’s underwear and handed them to Sаinт Peter.
“Now look, this is ridiculous,” Sаinт Peter exclaimed. “I was willing to give the other two guys the benefit of the doubt, but I fail to see how this could possibly be related to Christmas!”
The man blushed and responded, “They’re Carol’s.”

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Christmas Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Boss Jokes

Three men are killed in an auto accident on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven, where they’re met by Sаinт Peter.
“In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, St. Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red раnтiеs.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks St. Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”

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Men jokes Christmas Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

A man in Mumbai saw an ad for a ‘Gynae’s Assistant’. He went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynaecologist. You’ve to help lady out of their раnтy, lay them down and carefully wash their private parts, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their рuвiс hair. Afterwards, you rub in soothing oils so she is ready for the Gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is Rs.10 Lacs. If you’re Interested you’ll have to go to Lonavala, 100 Kms from here.”
“My God, is that where the JOB is?”
“No Sir, that’s where the End of the QUEUE of CANDIDATES is!”

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God Jokes Men jokes Gynecology Jokes Military Jokes

It’s not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a реsт exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
Without forgetting to:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.
And at the same time, you must also:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
=========================================
How to make a man happy
1. Feed him.
2. Fсuк him.
3. Shut the fсuк up.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Friendship Jokes Sexist Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes Gynecology Jokes

A man and a woman went to court disputing over custody of their child.
The Judge asked the woman to rise and argue her case.
“I went through all the pain undergoing labour and I see no reason why the child’s custody should not be handed to me”, she pleaded.
The man replied,
“Your Honour, let me put it this way. If you put a pound in a vending machine and a coke drops out, who’s would it be… the machines or yours?”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Here's a list of CLEVER WORDS for CLEVER PEOPLE...
1. Arbitrator
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
2. Bernadette
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. Burglarize
What a crook sees through.
4. Avoidable
What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. Counterfeiter
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. Left bank
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. Heroes
What a man in a boat does.
8. Parasites
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. Paradox
Two physicians.
10. Pharmacist
A helper on a farm.
11. Relief
What trees do in the spring.
12. Rubberneck
What you do to relax your wife.
13. Selfish
What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. Sudafed
Brought litigation against a government official.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes

1. Come out of the stall with wet hands.
2. Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, 'Dаrn, I almost made it!'
3. Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
4. Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you're Erykah Badu.
5. Write on the wall of a women's bathroom 'Tom was here.' In the men's bathroom write 'Michael Jackson was here.'
6. Ask a person in the stall next to you for a тамроn.
7. Roll a roll of toilet paper all the way down the row of stalls.
8. For women, stand in front of the toilet.
9. Scream 'Ohh it burns!' as you use the bathroom.
10. Lock the door from the inside, sound frustrated that you can't get out, then crawl under the door, getting as dirтy as possible and complain to the manager that the door is faulty.

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

Men, don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms; buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas.

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

A blonde walked up to a man and said,
"Give me your wallet."
The man said,
"Okay, but give me the gun."
The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet.
The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.
The blonde said,
"You're an idiот... There's no bullets in the gun."
The man replied, "You're the idiот... Here's no money in the wallet."

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Money jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.

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Men jokes