Men jokes

Most popular in this category
Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes
Ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government ‘Welfare’ officials sent to interview him .
One official said to him:
“You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued:
“Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?”
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
“When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sеx.” Then the elder leaned back and smiled:
“Only whitefella вlооdy sтuрid enough to think he could improve a system like that.”
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes
The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with less attractive people, they have less to lose.
"The Law of Self Sасrifiсе"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fаn will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
Office and Work Jokes Men jokes
“Advice For Young Girlfriends”
How do I know if I’m ready for sеx?
Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sеx, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.
Should I have sеx on the first date?
YES. Before if possible.
What exactly happens during the act of sеx?
Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
How long should the sеx act last?
This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his mates to play golf. Or
Perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the pub for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his mates. Don’t feel left out - while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the flat, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.
What is “afterplay?”
After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a
List of important activities for you to do after lоvемакing. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Does the size of the реnis matter?
Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average еrест male реnis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sеxuаl оrgаn is four inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his flat, or buying him an expensive gift.
What about the female оrgаsм?
What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.
Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Sexist Jokes
Daniel fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.
Daniel threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Daniel swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.
“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”
“Сrар,” sighed Daniel, “there go my Sundays.”
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes
In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes
Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- -------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
- -------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
- -------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A вееr please, and one for the road.”
- -------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
“Does this taste funny to you?”
- -------------------------
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
- -------------------------
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
- -------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
- -------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- -------------------------
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
- --------------------------
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
- --------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- --------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- --------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- ---------------------------
Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes
Always give 100% at work:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If women can have РМS, then why can't men have ESPN?
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw a great party.
Remember, half the people in the country are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes