Men jokes - Page 215

Those who abstain from pre-marital sеx will argue that the greatest gift a woman can offer a man is her virginity. Not necessarily -- everything has a shelf life. I like cheesecake, but not if it's been sitting in the freezer for 30 years.

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A tribe in the Amazon rain forest is thought to be responsible for a viscous cannibalistic attack on a group of World Cup supporters yesterday while they were hiking. Police have issued a statement warning people to be on the look out for a man with goofy teeth, short black hair and wearing a Uruguay football shirt.

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Sports Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked,
"Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked,
"Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said,
"Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Mother: Did you behave well in church today, Marjie?
Marjie: I certainly did. A nice man offered me a plate full of money, and I said,
"No thank you."

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Religion jokes Money jokes Men jokes

A man was playing a game of golf with an assassin. In the middle of the game, they had a conversation.
Assassin:
"Hey, isn't that your wife and some guy f*cking in the car?"
Man:
"Oh my God, it is! Hey, I want you to shoot both of them for me, ok?"
Assassin:
"Okay, but I charge a thousand dollars per shot."
Man:
"Deal. I want you to shoot my wife in the head and the guy in the diск.
The assassin sets up his shotgun and he says this
Assassin:
"Hey, its your lucky day! Your about to get a two for one!"

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God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

When Eve was disobedient, God decreed that women everywhere would work hard and please their man and be happy and obedient. And He promised it would be so unto the corners of the Earth.
…
Then God made the Earth a sphere and laughed and laughed and laughed.

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

Nuns were repainting their chapel, but they kept getting paint on their clothes, so they decided to remove them since they were alone.
They heard some one knocking at the door, and one of the nuns asked,
"Who is it?"
The man at the door answered, "The blind man!' so the nuns decided to to let him in.
The nuns opened the door, and the man said,
"Nice воовs! Where do you want the blinds?"

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God Jokes Men jokes

A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked,
"Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,
"Why are you so weak?"
She said,
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes

While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

T wo gаy men were strolling arm-in-arm along the sidewalk when a really gorgeous blonde passed them by.
She was a stunning beauty with an absolutely perfect body.
One gаy remarked to the other, “You know, there’s times when I almost wish I was a lеsвiаn.”

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Male procedure:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
Female procedure:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirтy look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking.
They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
A few minutes later, the first gаy guy said. “Excuse me, but I have to fаrт.” He held his breath,then the truck driver heard a low “Hsssssss.”
A few miles down the road, the second gаy guy announced, “Excuse me, but I have to fаrт.”
The announcement was followed by another low “Hsssssss.”
“Jesus Fcukin Сhrisт!” the truckie exclaimed. “You fсuкing fairies can’t even fаrт like men. Listen to this.”
A moment later he emitted a deafening ball busting staccato machine gun burst from his аss.
“Ohhh!” one gаy guy exclaimed, turning to the other. “You know what we have here, Bruce? That’s the sound of real virgin”

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
“Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”
The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sеx repulsive!”
So, the druggist asked, “Then what do you do with all those condoms?”
The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle now she poops in little plastic bags.”

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

As a man of Jewish descent, I don’t like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn’t be so serious about everything.
So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

An italian man who doesnt know english comes to england and:
At the hotel he learns, "me,me,me!"
At the restaurant he learns, "knives and forks, knives and forks!"
At the museum he learns, "oh, how fascinating!"
And at the farm he learns, "a little fат piggy"
Then there was a dead woman on the road, the police was there and asked,
"Who killed her?"
Man answers, "me,me,me!"
Police,"what did you кill her with?"
Man,"knives and forks, knives and forks!"
Police,"you're going to prison!"
Man,"oh, how fascinating!"
Police,"who do you think you are?"
Man, "a little fат piggy"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Police Officer Jokes Fat Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after three hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes heading his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Single People Jokes

The policeman was interviewing the man whose store had jus been robbed.
“It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the policeman asked
“Because today everything was on sale.”

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes