Men jokes - Page 263

“What on earth do you think you are doing?” roared a shop-owner to a man who had walked in and licked all the goods.
The man pointed to a sigh and said, “Well, that notice says ‘Tongue Sandwiches’”.

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Men jokes

A blind man in my town has been posting hand written opinion pieces in braille on the local bulletin board.
..
..
He makes some really good points

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Men jokes Disability Jokes

A judge convicted and sentenced a man to serve five consecutive life terms in prison. When the judge asked if there was anything he wanted to help pass the time, the man replied... A Perpetual Calendar!

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

There were two young men from the South who loved to fish and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the young man left. In about an hour, he was back.
“We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”
The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing out there?”
“Not very well at all,” he said. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet."

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Men jokes

After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight ours ago!”

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Men jokes

1st man:
"My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"
2nd man:
"Did they wake you?"
1st man:
"Nah.... I was up playing my bagpipes."

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Men jokes

A man was looking for someone to paint his porch. So he hired a young lady and told her what to do. After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, “I’m done.”
The man asked, “How did you get done so fast?”
The lady said, “It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

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Men jokes

For some crazy reason, I was thinking about the old horror movie “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” today. Then I remembered it is time for this old man to cut his toenails. … Do you know how wild and tough toenails get at my age? I call it “The Chainsaw Manicure.”

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, “Do you keep stationery?”
“Well,” she giggled, “I can… until I have an оrgаsм, then I just go plain wild and crazy!”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

Two guys are chatting in their hospital beds;
“What are you in for?” said the first,
“Camera down the throat” the other replied,
“Oh endoscopy?” the first man asked,
“Yes” he said “Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?”
“Camera up the аrsе” he said,
“Oh colonoscopy, checking for воwеl cancer?” quizzed the second man,
“No, my neighbour was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo”

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Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. On the one hand it is a great honour, but you dread the moment when you have to rise to perform.

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Men jokes

I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”
The man said, “Is it for a clock?”
I said, “I don’t fuскing know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says,
"I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jеrк who pushed me in!"

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Men jokes

A Preacher was giving a sermon one Sunday morning, when he noticed old man Brown sound asleep in the last pew. He asked the Congregation:
"All those who want to go to Heaven, stand up!" All rose except old man Brown. After the Congregation sat down, he yelled at the top of his voice, "ALL THOSE WHO WASNT TO GO TO НЕLL, STAND UP!!!" Old man Brown woke up, stood up, looked around and said,
"I don't know what we are voting on, Reverend, but whatever it is, we sure are in the minority!!"

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Men jokes

A man entered a barbershop and said:
“I am tired of looking like everyone else!
I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said. “What’s the matter? Asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?”
“No”, he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!”

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Men jokes

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

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Men jokes

A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

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Men jokes

I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man - I hate those people.

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Men jokes

Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every sтrоке, then picking him up again that wore me out."

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Sports Jokes Men jokes

Man to priest: father, may I smoke while I'm praying?
Priest : no you cannot!
Lady to priest : father, can I pray while I smoke?
Priest: yes you can!

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Religion jokes Men jokes