Police Officer Jokes

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A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said,
"Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vоdка? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said,
"Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"

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There are 3 guys, a black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy. they get pulled over by a VERY gаy police officer for speeding and he tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go. so they measure the black guy’s реnis and its 10 inches. then they measure the white guy’s реnis and It’s 9 inches. they then measure the Asian guy’s реnis and its 1 inch. since they add up to 20 the officer let’s them go. while they are driving the black guy says “we got away because I was 10 inches” then the white guys says “no it was because I was 9” then the Asian guy says “no it was because I had a воnеr.

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A police man just stopped me in the park with my dog and said, “If you leave that dog mess there you will face a penalty.”
I used to play in goal a bit for school so I thought, fuск it, and took my chances.

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After a week of agonizing physical training, police academy cadets still hadn’t been admitted to the firing range. “I don’t get it,” huffed one trainee to another as they pounded out yet another five-mile jog. “What do you mean?”
“We still don’t know how to protect people and property, but we’re getting real good at running away.”

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Q. How many police men does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
A. None, he fell by himself.

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There are three people named “Роор, Manners, and Shut Up."
One day, Роор fell out the window and Manners went out the window to pick him up. While Manners was going to help Роор, he told Shut Up to get the police. So that is what Shut Up did. When the police arrived, they asked, “What is your name?" And Shut Up replies with “Shut Up." Then the police ask again, “What is your name?" “Shut Up." “What is your name?" “Shut Up." And then the police ask, “Excuse me, where are your manners?" And then Shut Up says, “Oh, Manners? Manners is over there picking up Роор."

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Why did the coffee grounds call 911?
Because they GOT MUGGED

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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jеrк off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!
So I called him a horse’s аrsе, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.

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A man traveling over 125 miles per hour on the interstate was stopped by a highway patrol. “Sorry, officer,” said the driver, “was I driving too fast?
“No, sir. Our were flying too low.”

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He's like the nicest man in the world. He could say something nice about anybody -- I mean, anybody. So finally one day I got fed up with it. I said, 'Alright, Dad, what about John Wayne Gacy? Killed 35 people, buried them under the house.' My father goes, 'Well, he's not lazy, and he's a home owner.'

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Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?…
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week. …
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Why did O. J. Simpson go to Raleigh, NC in the Ford Bronco? …
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. …
…
What are the longest three years of a Duke player’s life?
His freshman year.
Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
They didn’t want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
How many Florida State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because that’s a sophomore course at Florida State.
What’s the difference between the Florida Gators and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
How do you castrate a Tennessee Volunteers fаn? A: Kick his sister in the mouth.
What does a Syracuse fаn do when his team has won the National Championship?
He turns off his PlayStation 3.

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If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.

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Sтuрid, Trouble and Manners were out on the farm. When sтuрid and manners did not find trouble they split up. Sтuрid bumped into a police man. The man said "Are you sтuрid?!" Sтuрid replied "Yes I am" and scurried off. He met a тhug and the тhug said "What are you looking for?" Sтuрid replied "I am looking for trouble" and scurried off. He then filed a missing person's report and an officer asks him "Where is manners?" Sтuрid replies "Manners is outside"

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A policeman parked his police van in from of the station, while gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner Tops was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” the policeman replied. Puzzle, the boy looked at him and towards the back of the van.
Finally he asked; “What did he do?”

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A fire broke out at a gаy club last night.
Police think it was started by a Fаg.

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A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver, "When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, 'sixty-five at least.'”
"SIXTY-FIVE!" shrieked the woman.
"Yes, sixty-five."
"I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older."

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The boss hired a sеxy secretary, but 10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office. ….
Police:
“Who was there at that time in the room?” ….
Secretary:
“I was there” ….
Police: What happened? Why did he commit suicide? ….
Secretary: He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat for $2,000,000.
Then he bought me a diamond necklace for $15,000,000, then he bought me a diamond ring for $5,o00,000.
Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge just $ 500 a night!
Moral:
- ” Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing!”

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Newsflash!!!
Police have arrested a man for selling pills that will give you eternal youth. Records show that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested.
The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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News: Tests find ’32 year old man killed wife before himself’
Thank God for these ‘tests’, because otherwise the police would have thought he killed himself first.

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The day after his wife disappeared, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced policemen. "We are sorry Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the policemen.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Mr. Smith shouted.
The Policemen looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and
Some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said,
"Give me the bad news first."
The Police said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Third Mainland Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Smith swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
The policeman continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr Smith demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The policeman said,
"We are going to bring her out again tomorrow."

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