Sarcasm Jokes

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The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook.”
She said, “You watch роrn.”
Bitch.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Justin Bieber gets nакеd, looks in the mirror asks Serena, “Нun why is it that every time I look at my self nакеd my соск gets hard ?
“She replies without missing a beat,”Because, even your соск thinks you’re a рussy”

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Sarcasm Jokes

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

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Sarcasm Jokes

T his guy was walking down the street and this hоокеr says, “Say, wanna have a good time?”
“Sure”, he says and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, “Is thi the first рussy you seen since you crawled out of one?”
The guy says:
“Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

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Sarcasm Jokes

I’m amazed at the skills of McDonald’s employees.
Last week I went to pay for a meal with a fifty pound note and the guy studied it like he was some sort of fuскing counterfeit expert.

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Sarcasm Jokes

I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.
They sent me a dead соw and some instructions on how to skin it.

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Sarcasm Jokes

We all have faults.
It’s just that mine are better than yours.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

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Sarcasm Jokes

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, “Is that coffee I smell?”
She said, “It is and you do.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over “How’s the second-hand рussy?”
Quick as a flash, her lover replies “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

The other day I asked my girlfriend to text me a photo of her сunт.
She replied with a photo of me.

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Sarcasm Jokes

I used to think it was pretentious that Subway call their staff “Sandwich Artists”.
But I suppose it is the most likely career option for an Art graduate.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Must be lonely over there on “I’m offended by jokes” island.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Today is one of those days where I just feel like watching a bunch of movies with my girlfriend. Can anybody recommend a good girlfriend?

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Sarcasm Jokes

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, “Where ya going boy?”
The son smiled and replied, “I’m a-going courting Peggy-Sue.”
The Father said, “When I went a-courtin’, I didn’t need me no dang lantern.”
“Sure Pa, I know.” the boy said. “And look what you got.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.
He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say.
“It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

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Sarcasm Jokes

Some chick said I look like I”ve been run over by a steamroller.
I said thanks for the flattery.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy stealing other people’s jokes

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Sarcasm Jokes

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.

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Sarcasm Jokes

When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.

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Sarcasm Jokes

I’d like to think I’m good in an argument. Like, for example, I was arguing with a guy the other day and he said, “If you look up sтuрid in the dictionary, it has a picture of your face.”
I said, “I’m not the one who had to look up sтuрid in the dictionary. Also, my dictionary doesn’t have f*cking pictures.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

A stand up is getting heckled by a member of the audience. After being interrupted the comic snaps and goes on a rant.
“The average vаginа is 7.5 inches deep and the average реnis is 6 inches. This means that in this world of 6.8 billion people there is approximately 850 thousand feet of spare c*nt and 5 foot 2 of it is sitting over there.” He points to the heckler.
“But I’m 5 foot 10.” The heckler replies.
“Oh, then you’re an even вiggеr c*nt than I thought you were.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

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Sarcasm Jokes

My wife’s leaving me because I’m so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.

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Sarcasm Jokes

I think without doubt the best job in Iraq, would have to be Foreign Ambassador...

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Sarcasm Jokes

I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home.
It was the box from my new 65″ TV.

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Sarcasm Jokes

My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow.
I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.
“What!?” I answered, gagging at the price tag. “I’ve bought cars for $500!”
“That’s why I want the $500 suit,” he said. “So I don’t have to drive $500 cars.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

“Why has everything got to be a game with you?” My wife sighed.
“An excellent question love” I said, “but next time, please use the buzzer.”

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Sarcasm Jokes

When I die, I’d like the word ‘Humble’ to be written
On my statue.

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Sarcasm Jokes

You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts Just like you.

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Sarcasm Jokes