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Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest соndом factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those sтuрid Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a соndом company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the соndом company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
10th - “Scattered f***ing showers, my аss!” - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - “How the f***did you work that out?” - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th -”You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?” - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - “Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?” - Custer, 1877
6th - “It does so f***ing look like her!” - Picasso, 1926
5th - “Where the f*** are we?” - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - “Any f***ing idiот could understand that.” - Einstein, 1938
3rd - “What the f***was that?” - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - “I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!” - JFK, 1963
AND …. drum-roll please ….
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the “F” word ……
“Aw c’mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?” - Tiger Woods, 2009
Following the unloading of the cattle in stockyard, this cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn’t help overhearing her order.
“I’ll have a вrеаsт of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it’s a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold, and waiter, open the windows, I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in here.”
Thoroughly рissеd off, the cowboy placed his order.
“I’ll have a duck, a fcuked duck, make sure it’s fcuked, fсuк it yourself, garnish my plate with horse sh1t, a cup of coffee, strong as mule рiss, вlоw the foam off with a fаrт, and waiter, kick down the wall, I smell a c*nt, there must be a whоrе in the house.”
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, nакеd woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Union Station,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hеll are you looking at, driver?”
The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely nакеd, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sеx there and then.
God, I love my new Taser.
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“There’s a spider in the bedroom,” screamed my wife, “Get it out Dave! Please get it out!”
“I don’t know why they turn you on so much,” I said, unzipping my jeans.
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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shаg each other.
I thought, “Fсuк me, have they got no pride?”
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Last christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I’m in bed,
But I got bored with my seargents and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.
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My wife bought some jeggings.
I said, “What are they then?”
She said, “They’re a cross between jeans and leggings”.
I said, “Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt”.
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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their вrеаsтs.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.
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I’ve just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:
“Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there’ll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you’ve finished, come into the bedroom and I’ll suск you dry ;)”
Fcuk that, it’ll take ages. I’ll just use a towel.
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My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42.
She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!”
I said, “I am if you think about it.”
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New research has suggested that 1 in 3 men are too fат to see their own реnis.
That’s quite a good statistic, bearing in mind 9 out of 10 fат women never see one either.
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice.
“Just agree with what she says,” he said, “and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.”
“Thanks, mate,” I said, before trotting off to the venue.
I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over…”Hi,” she said. “I’m going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than suскing соск and being fcuked up the аss.”
“Me too!” I replied.
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After hot passionate sеx last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said “You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had”
Apparently, “Ditto” is not the right response…
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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fсuкing chessboard up your аss.”
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This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fат ugly fсuкеr I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fсuк that?”
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Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your аss out of bed you whоrе and fix that kid some fсuкing ice cream!”
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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property - Stay Out!'”
The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?”
The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”
The golfer looks at the man and says, “I understand.”
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, “What is that for?”
The golfer replies, “I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every рriск should have two ваlls.”