School Jokes

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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"

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Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher.
I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.

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Student 1:
"My professor told me my assignment was to get up in front of the whole class and give a talk on the round, light pinkish colored, fuzzy skinned fruit which is the nickname for the state of Georgia."
Student 2:
"Oh, in other words, you're going to give a SPEACH?"

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Yo momma so fат, they used Google Earth for her school photo.

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Sатаn stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

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"How was your first day of seventh grade son?"
"It was great Mom, I found out I’ll be learning sеx education in my astronomy class. The teacher asked if we had a favorite star and also said beginning tomorrow we’ll be discussing heavenly bodies!"

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I’m fed up of public schools promoting the ‘gаy agenda’. My son came home from school the other day and he said they were talking about hомо sapiens in class.

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There’s a door at the back of the school bus that says, “For emergency use only”. ….
…..
Now I know why it stinks of рiss all the time.

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When I first called up my high school sweetheart, I hadn't seen him for 12 years, and I found out that he had become a cop. And I thought, 'Oh, cops are so brave! They're heroes and protect us from bad people and risk their lives!' Then I met them all, and I found out they go to Ноотеrs.

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Teacher: Suppose you have $10 and you asked your brother for $5.
How much would you have then?
Student: $10
Teacher: why?
Student: My brother wont give me any.

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My lazy son asked me to do his homework but make it look like he’s done it, so I agreed.
I didn’t bother doing it.

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My son came home from school looking all excited.
“I got a B on my reading test,” he told me.
“That’s a fuскing D,” I replied.

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Schools have come under pressure recently as large numbers of students have been getting bad exam results. On the plus side pregnancy test results are at an all-time high.

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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about рussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a рussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a рussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a рussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vаginа and says "Son, this is a рussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"
The dad replies,
"That's everything outside the circle!"

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I’m getting pretty nervous about my maths exam.
I think I’ve got a 40:40% chance of passing.

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We live in a culture where a рrоsтiтuте on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That's disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps ваnging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing on my bagpipes."

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…What is the difference between Cheerios and the Nebraska Cornhuskers? …
…Cheerios look better in a bowl.
… ….
…Why does Memorial Stadium have Astroturf instead of grass? …
… It prevents the Nebraska cheerleaders from grazing during halftime.
… Why is a Nebraska cheerleader like railway tracks?
… Because she’s been laid all over the country!
…What do you call a Nebraska cheerleader with pigtails?
…A вlоw job with handlebars.
…What happened to the Nebraska cheerleader when she did the splits?
…10 class rings fell out.
…Whom is the best Nebraska cheerleader in the world?
…The one that never misses a period.

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

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A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said Tommy.
"No," said Billy, "he’s just for good luck."
Peter brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

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