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After the Sunday sermon the Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. …
….
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. …
…
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!’ …
…
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. …
…
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sеx.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuск the Vicar.’ “
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Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1:
“I had sеx last night, did you?”
Woman 2:
“Yes.”
Woman 1:
“Was it good?”
Woman 2:
“No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sеx in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?”
Woman 1:
“Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sеx and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!”
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1:
“You wanted sеx last night, how was it?”
Husband 2:
“Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sеx with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?”
Husband 1:
“It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t сliмаx for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!”
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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could
Not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who
Stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he
Knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder
Of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to
Be cured was to have sеx.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After
Some thought,the pope stated, “I agree but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise
There arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, “First the girl must
Be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sеx.
“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sеx.
“And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is
Having sеx, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The pope smiled and replied, “She gotta have big t*ts.”
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A young couple were married and they were having sеx all the time during their honeymoon. ….
….
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sеx schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. …
…
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. …
…
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. …
One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”
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A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a couple of beers and she asked if he’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”?
“What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter тhrееsоме.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.”
They drank a bit more,then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.”
They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.
When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”
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