Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

Some people don’t know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fuск it up its аrsе. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says:
“What if the police come, take sреrм samples and find out it was us? Let’s destroy the evidence.”
So he sticks a straw up the аrsе and starts suскing. At some point he looks up to me and says:
“I’ve had enough! You have a go.”
Disgusted, I said: Fuск off, you сunт! Not with the same straw!

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A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.
The Doctor performs some tests and says, “I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we”re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man.
“No,” says the Doctor, “it”s the only food we can pass under the fuскing door!”

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I told my girlfriend I love the schoolgirl fantasy.
So, on my birthday, she came into the room in a tartan skirt, white stockings and a tight unbuttoned shirt.
As she tried to sеduсе me, I stopped her and said, “Seriously: it’s my fuскing birthday and you can’t even find me a real schoolgirl?”

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School Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I got arrested in Switzerland for мurdеr yesterday. I said to the police, “I thought assisted suicide wasn’t against the law here?”
The officer replied, “Under Swiss law assisted suicides require medical supervision, you strangled your wife as soon as the plane touched down.”

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Doctor, I can’t find a comfortable position to sit.”
The doctor examined Harry and said, “I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble sitting; you have a good case of haemorrhoids.”
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, “Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they’re gone. Then come back and we’ll see how you are.
“Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of haemorrhoids.
“Well, ” said the doctor, “Did you use all of the suppositories?”
“Yes, I did,” said Harry. “I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow.”
“For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my аrsе!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I went to the doctors with my bad back the other day.
He asks “How did you do it?”, so I replies “Having sеx doggy style.”
Doctor says, “Try having sеx the normal way”.
I told him, “I have but the dog keeps licking my face”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can.
The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon’s office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out.
After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.
The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage. “You know what you did?” she screams. “You gave me a man’s ears.”
“Well,” says the surgeon, “an ear is an ear. What is wrong? Can’t you hear?”
“I hear everything,” she says. “The problem is I do not understand anything I am told.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

It was my wife’s funeral today. Everybody came back to my house after the burial, for a few drinks and food.
I was all over the place. One second I was up, the next, I was down again.
All my mother in law could say was, “I can’t believe you ordered a bouncy castle for the wake!”

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Food Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Why do women have legs?
Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?

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Jokes about Women Sick and Death Jokes

Did you see the black guy on the news shot 15 times?
Police said it was the worst case of suicide they’d ever seen!

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News and Politics Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Religion jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A friend was hit by a bus after he argued that pineapple is the best pizza topping …
…
Also, I lost my bus license today.

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Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My extremely gаy friend had an 80’s themed costume party.
I came dressed up as AIDS.
Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

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Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A young couple were married and they were having sеx all the time during their honeymoon. ….
….
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sеx schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. …
…
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. …
…
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. …
One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I said to the doctor, “I’m worried as whenever I go to visit my mother she gets my name wrong.”
He looked up at me sympathetically and asked, “Is it Alzheimer’s?”
I looked back at him in disgust and replied, “No, It’s Steve.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I’m not allowed to DJ on the hospital radio any more.
Apparently, “Do they know it’s Christmas” is not an appropriate song for the dementia ward.

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Christmas Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

He Was A Sаinт ….
…..
Two brothers were incredibly mean - they lied, cheated, stole, blackmailed, you name it, they did it. Well, anyway, they managed to acquire a lot of money. Then, one of the brothers died. The other brother came to the local priest and said, “You know how much you’ve been wanting to get a new веll tower on the church? Well, if - during my brother’s funeral - you call him a sаinт, I’ll write you a check for the tower right here and now.” Well, the priest thought about it and agreed.
However, during the eulogy, the priest was completely honest about the deceased brother, highlighting each of his faults. (it was a very long speech) Of course, the decease’s brother was very angry, as the priest was not following through on their deal. The priest did fulfill his promise, and ended the eulogy with, “but, compared to his brother, he was a sаinт.”

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Money jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”

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God Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

When the doctor told me that the accident had left me paralysed from the neck down, it sent shivers down my spine.
I think.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes