Sports Jokes

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Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every sтrоке, then picking him up again that wore me out."

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A deer hunter at a hunting camp bagged two deer, one more than the limit. He called his wife ask her to go to the local sporting goods store to get a hunting license in her name and bring it to the hunting camp.
While getting the license she took up conversation with a man who happened to be the Game Warden. "A wonderful thing happened to my husband... He shot two deer, and he wants me to bring this license up to his camp," she said.
"What say, Mam, that we go up there and we'll BOTH congratulate him," he replied.

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His favorite sport is the Indianapolis 500, five hours of men going around in a circle. I think it'd be a more interesting race if they just broke off and drove in different directions.

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Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish.
“We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large
X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker
“That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”

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A young unmarried man goes onto a dating website to find the perfect woman. He enters his details and describes what he is looking for:
“I want a genuine companion. She should be small and cute, should like aquatic sports and should enjoy group activities.”
He clicks on ‘Send’ and immediately gets a response:
“Marry a fсuкing реnguin.”

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Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.
“That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” replied the second man.
“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”

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Serena Williams, Maria Sharapov, Simona Halep, Petra Kvitova, Caroline Wozniak and several other female tennis players and female athletes have been banished from the Netherlands.
The Dutch Parliament has so decreed because the women insist on putting their fingers in the dyкеs.

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I was at the hospital's emergency room for a sports-related injury, and in answer to a question on the form I was given, I replied that I had a serious allergy. The nurse put a plastic band on my wrist and I sat down in the crowded waiting room.
The lady seated next to me glanced at my wrist, shock registering on her face, and then quickly moved away from me. Surprised, I looked at the band for the first time. It read "Nuts."

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How do men exercise at the beach?
Every time they see a bikini they suск their belly in

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Tim asked Bob “What happened to your uncle’s boat?”
“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Bob.
“Yes, I have” replied Tim.
“Well, he didn’t” said Bob.

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A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid.
One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been bit by a bee and was having a reaction.
“Where was she bit?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” was the reply.
He then replied, “Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive.”

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How do you make a match against Man U interesting?
Give them a two goal start.

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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hеll do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to кill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

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“May I go swimming, Mommy?”
“No, you may not. There are sharks here.”
“But Daddy’s swimming.”
“He’s insured.”

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered….. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery… When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her рuвiс hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .’Keep off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . had to mow the lawn!!

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For thousands of years man would walk in circles, beating a stick on the ground while cursing up at the sky.
Today, this is known as “Golf”.

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I love watching women’s heavyweight boxing.
It’s hilarious to see them fight back tears when the announcer tells everyone their weight.

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There was a student that had a chance to learn the sport of skydiving. After having been instructed by his teacher he jumped out and forgot how to release his shoot. As he was falling rapidly towards earth, he suddenly saw a man shooting up towards him and as the man passed by, the student yelled! “Do you know how to operate a parachute?” The man passing by him answered NO! “But do you know anything about a gas heater?”

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Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
“Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me.”
His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long
Gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
You.” They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
Swing when the wife blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, I’ve
Been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
We’re being honest with each other, I have something to
Tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sеx change
Operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
Forgive me.”
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
A fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
Ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
Cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
One, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, “You liar! You cheat! You despicable
Deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart
And soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the frickin’
Ladies’ tees!”

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The minister was on the golf course when he heard a duffеr, deep in a sand trap, let loose a stream of profanity. “I have often noticed,” chided the minister, “that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language.”
“Of course not,” screamed the man. “What do they have to swear about?

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