Sports Jokes

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Why did the home crowd scream with delight when their favorite batter got three strikes?
He just happened to be bowling at the time.

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I sent a player off in the first minute of a match today for deliberate handball.
He said, “You haven’t got a fuскing clue what you’re doing, ref.”
I said, “That’s what they all say… right lads, scrum down.”

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Why are Southampton nicknamed The Saints ?
Because all their players have gone to a better place .

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My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.
I told her she's way off base!

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I played golf for the first time ever this morning.
As I was about to take my first shot I noticed that there were several people in the clubhouse watching me.
“Stay calm,” I thought, putting my ball on the tee, “you’ll do fine.”
As I took the shot I could see it heading directly for them.
“Fore!” I shouted as it smashed through the window.
“Are you some sort of fuскing rетаrd? screamed a bloke.
No, it’s my first time, I replied, picking up my ball, can I have my club back please?

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Pool Player #1:
"I nicknamed the cue ball on my pool table 'Itch'."
Pool Player #2:
"Why?"
Pool Player #1:
"I'm always scratching it!"

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Arsenal’s Champions League clash versus Bayern Munich reminds me of a night out I had when I got diarrhoea.
Shit over both legs.

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Since his release on bail Oscar Pistorious has decided to spend the weekend clay рigеоn shooting to relax. So far he’s accidentally killed 2 elephants and shot a Jeep that was on safari.

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My cousin has two tickets for the Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $3,700 for each ticket. He didn’t realize when he bought the tickets that the game would be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can’t go. If you are interested and would like to go in his place, it’s at First Community Church, in Atlanta, GA, at 4 pm. Her name is Tiffany, she’s 5’3″, about 110 lbs, great cook, good looking, big rack, makes $120,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress. Serious inquiries only

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I had a go at rugby the other day.
I thought I was doing pretty well but all everyone kept saying was, “Nice try.”
Condescending ваsтаrds.

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George W. Bush is scheduled to speak at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Nervous, he asks for a teleprompter.
On the day of the speech, he takes to the podium and starts, “Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.”
An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, “Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!”

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I was playing snooker with my mate, Dave, down the pub last night. We finished setting the table up and he said to me, “do you wanna break?”
“We’ve haven’t even started yet, you lazy сunт!”

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Why did the ceiling fаn go to the boxing match?
For the вlоw-by-вlоw action.

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What’s the difference between Scunthorpe United and Manchester United?
There’s only one сunт in Scunthorpe!

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A boxer's trainer told him to stay down until 8...
He looked up from the canvas and asked,
"What time is it now?"

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What's your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another.
"I'm a scratch golfer... I write down all my good scores and
Scratch out all my bad ones."

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What do Manchester United and Richard the Third have in common?
They both got buried in Leicester

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Did you hear the latest story about some major tennis players being involved in witchcraft?? Goran, even he’s a witch.

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Maria Sharapova is never gonna win another major title as long as Mike Tyson keeps putting that wig on.

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The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

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