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While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now ” she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed, “But I’m sure my wife won’t like it.”
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way,where is she?”
I replied, “Still under the cart, I guess”
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Played golf earlier today after taking LSD, it was crazy!!
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No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
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Sports do not build character. They reveal it.
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A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?”
The horse replies, “I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the тwат on my back.”
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We all know that the Super Bowl is the football game with the AFC champion playing the NFC champion.
There should be a Toilet Bowl where the worst team in each conference plays each other, where the winning team gets the first round draft pick and/or a plunger shaped trophy.
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I invented telescopic arms for snooker players…….. And the rest is history.
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Mike Tyson's new slogans:
If you can't Fight Them !
Bite Them !
If you can't Beat Them !
Eat Them !
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"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
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Why do Canadians do it doggy style? ….
…..
So the guy has a place to rest his Molson’s вееr and Hickory Sticks and watch the hockey game.
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Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there's no atmosphere!
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Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ollie wandered up with a puzzlement: …
…
Ollie: Sven! Vat cho been doin?
Sven: I bin fishin,’ Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with deese here rods?
Ollie: Ditcha catch anythin?
Sven: (Under his breath:
“Dumb svede.”) Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.
Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o’ dem?
Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I’ll give you BOTH a dem!
Ole: I guess TREE!
Sven: Dat ain’t bad for a Svede. You only missed it by TWO!
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Definition of Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game.
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A German competitor was lost, and wanted directions to the Olympic village.  He was standing outside East Ham tube station when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks,  ‘Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?” ‘
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at the German.
‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?’ He tries.
The two continue to stare.
‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The London lads remain totally silent.
The German Olympian walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’
‘Why?’ says the other, ‘That German guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’
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What do you call 143 white guys chasing after one black guy?
The PGA Tour
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
Why Was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player?
She had a pumpkin for a coach!
Why did a outfielder take a piece of rope onto the field?
He was the skipper!
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
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It was only her second date with a diehard baseball fаn, and Sally was a little nervous. It was her fault they arrived at the ballpark a full hour after the game had started. Taking her seat, Sally glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. “Look, John,” she exclaimed with relief, “we haven’t missed a thing.”
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My favorite baseball team keeps losing games, but they continue to have a T-Shirt Night, Cap Night, Bat Night, etc...
How about something new and exciting this season like a WINNING Night!
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If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
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Beware: At 5pm today 11 CLOWNS will be running around London in England stripes!
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He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
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