Wife jokes

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My wife gave me an ultimatum.
It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was as easy as pie.

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Wife jokes

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.
He told me I should do what he does.
I asked, “What’s that, then?”
He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

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Wife jokes

My wife just threw away my favorite herb.
She’s such a thyme waster.

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Wife jokes

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.

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Wife jokes

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.

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Wife jokes

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.

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Wife jokes

My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.
She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the вrеаsтs of an 18 year old.”
I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old аss?”
She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

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Wife jokes

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.
I don’t know where she’s coming from.

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Wife jokes

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

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Wife jokes

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making sтuрid Star Wars puns.
I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

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Wife jokes Star Wars Jokes

Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.

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Wife jokes

I just found out my wife has a twin sister.
I saw her on Tinder.

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Wife jokes

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.
I think she must have given me a cold or something.

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Wife jokes

My wife is a body builder.
She’s pregnant.

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Wife jokes

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

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Wife jokes

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

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Wife jokes

My deaf wife just told me that “We need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.

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Wife jokes

My wife apologised for the first time ever today.
She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

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Wife jokes

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

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Wife jokes

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”
The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

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Wife jokes