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A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says,
"It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says,
"Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says,
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says,
"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro"
A woman arrives at the and meets Sаinт Peter. She says,
"I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
She answers, "Smith."
Saint Peter replies,
"I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She responds, "His name is John Smith."
Saint Peter says,
"I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She answers, "He's got red hair."
Saint Peter replies,
"I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!"
Saint Peter says,
"Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
“Brothers, sisters,” he said solemnly, “it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise.”
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, “I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins.”
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. “Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!”
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, “Young woman, I’m asking the virgins to stand.”
And the young lady answered indignantly, “Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself…?”