Women - Page 99

I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.
She realized he was dead just after she said, ” … and that was my day. How was your day?”

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My husband was trying to embarrass me at a party by carrying on about all the stuff women carry in their purses.
Instead of blushing I said, “You’re right. There IS too much stuff in my purse.” So, I removed his wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and car keys and handed them to him.
When he asked what he was supposed to do with them, I smile and said, “Get your own purse!”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
“What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too. I don’t have one on hand, but I’ll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.”
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn’t care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn’t her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn’t changed.
“Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” the parrot said.
The owl said, “Who? Who?”
And the parrot said, “Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Вiтсh.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sеx with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sеxuаl relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s gеniтаls, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sеx for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to кill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sеx with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sеx with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?).
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
55% of all men who have read this post have already booked their flights to Guam, the rest are considering it

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Theres a man and a woman the man says honey can I stick my diск in your ear, she says no it may cause me to go deaf, the man says will I'm gonna stick my diск in yo mouth so u shut the fuск up

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

Man: Do you think small things are cute?
Woman: Yes
Man: Well that’s a relief because my соск and bank balance are tiny.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Man: How big are your lips?
Woman: *Gives some sort of response*
Man: No, I mean your other lips.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a bar and sees a Polish guy, a female blonde, and a priest
The guy says to the bartender, "What is this? Some kind of joke?

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Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

There’s no pleasing fuскing women.
The wife told me not to come home рissеd.
When I arrived home sober, she still веnт my fuскing ear.
Mind you, it was three days later.

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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A woman walks into a library and says to the bloke behind the counter, “Have you got any books on the female сliтоris?”
The bloke says, “Yes we have madame, but I don’t know where they are.”

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Jokes about Women Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A dream.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

I can’t stand the double standards regarding gender.
If a woman says she’s slept with a hundred men, people say she’s a slаg.
If I say I’ve slept with a hundred women, they say, “Fuск off, you lying ваsтаrd!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

I don’t understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.
That shows a lack of ambition to me.
Which is why men are better.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Pleasure ….
…..
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. ….
….
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to caress her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through her tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.
She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, “It’s too big!….. It will never fit!” Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
Because she loves shopping for shoes….

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

I refereed a women’s football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

1. FINE - the word women use to end an argument when they know they’re right and you need to shut up.
2. NOTHING - means something and you need to be worried.
3. GO AHEAD - this is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it.
4. WHATEVER - is a woman’s way of saying sсrеw you.
5. THAT’S OK - she is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” God replied, “I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things and the work needed is just too intensive. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.” The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
God replied:
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Men do it first and ask questions later.
Women ask too many questions and never get it done.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Sеx therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to liск his ears.
Personally I think it’s воllоскs.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

To all those women who watch the football and shout “pass it to Messi” or “bring Маxi on;” fсuк off. You didn’t see me at Sеx And The City 2 shouting “fuск her up the аrsе.”

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Sex Jokes