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Meet Shane, the Greatest Walmart Employee...
1. Shane, Quit offering extended Warranties on the fried chicken----Management
2. Shane, stop asking "Is that your final answer?" and offering to let them phone a friend after each order----Management
3. Shane, Quit putting price tags on the Deli equipment and trying to sell them to customers---Management
4. Shane, stop implying Walmart keeps the "Good Stuff" in the back----Management
5. Shane, I don't know what "Swinecraft" is but ham cannot be sold as a building material---Management
6. Shane, THE DELI IS NOT an appropriate setting to practice your ventriloquism, please stop making puppets out of the paper bags-----Management
7. Shane, STOP putting "Stoner Approved" seals on the fried chicken----Management
8. Shane, STOP putting out samples labeled as "Mystery Meats"----Management
9. Shane, STOP putting "Some assembly required" stickers on the 8-piece chickens----Management
10. Shane, any FREE samples you offer must come from the deli department, not from electronics------ Management
At last i have taken the time to write down some man rules….. The guys side of the story.
We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules! Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. If you think you’re fат, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear..
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. You have enough clothes.
1 .. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don’t mind that? it’s like camping…
All you henpecked men i dare you to share this. If you grow some ваlls while doing it… print out a copy and paste it on the bedroom door
An Israeli doctor says:
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."
A British doctor says:
"That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Canadian doctor says:
"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."
A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says:
"You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Grandma writes a letter to one of her sons in South Dakota: ….
….
Dear Son,
….
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you really love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! ….
….
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Сhrisт!” as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, “Go, Jesus Сhrisт, Go”! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked your two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma
So, theres this guy at his apartment and he smoking wееd for his therapy session. Well his neighbors dispice him and call the cops after smelling a batch cause he refuses to share. As the police appear and smell this outside his door, they ваng on the door. ВАNG!ВАNG! "Open up, it's the police." Calmly he goes to the door, douses his light and puts his magic bag of wееd into his back pocket. Opening the door, the officer demands to search the place, as he goes, he find his magic bag of wееd and says. "AH HA! Caught you red handed", the officer snickers. His neighbors boil with laughter inside thinking he will go to jail until the man speak. "Ahem, I have a reason for this." With the officer rolling his eyes to hear the story he lets him proceed. "You see officer this is is a magic bag of wееd, I can't keep it off me because everytime I flush it down the toilet, it jumps right back out again and into my back pocket.", Frowning the officer is laughing with a argument back and forth on finding this whole story rediculous. "Fine I'll proove it to you!" The man shouts. The officer gives him the bag confidently and watches him empty it into the toilet were he flushes it down the toilet. When nothing appears the officer goes. "Well?" Smirking the man goes "Well what?" With the neighbors mouths gaped opened the officer becomes annoyed. "Where the hells the drugs at?" The man smirks again. "What drugs?"