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The Israelis and Arabs realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two, like
David and Goliath. This would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could.
The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other
Puppies.. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty, ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!!
Everyone at the dog-fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. The
Bookies all took one look and predicted the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small рuff of fur from the Arab killer-dog’s tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweillers and Siberian wolves. They developed an incredible killing machine of a dog”.
The Israeli General replied. “Well, for 5 years we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, California, working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room.
Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him.
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
Husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don ‘t forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all tocome back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim . Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”’
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don ‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ….
“I kick the bucket out from under him”.
Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediatelyfell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
"Can you spare a dime?" asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
"Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?", begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, 'I don't have any money!' He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. "What in tarnation do YOU want?" Ben yelled.
"I saw the sign on your windshield," the man began, "and since I've been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I'd give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet."
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
‘Yeah right!’ she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunк from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
Snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!