Office and Work Jokes

Most popular in this category

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large ta-tas.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s вrа while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s Ta-tas.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.

0 0

I got my own back on this rude guy in the supermarket where I work by shining my scanner in his eyes.
The look on his face was priceless.

0 0

I hear the boys are gonna strike," one worker told another.
"What for?" asked the friend.
"Shorter hours."
"Good for them. I always did think 60 minutes was too long for an hour."

0 0

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
"Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said.
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy?"

0 0

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said,
"I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says,
"I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says,
"I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says,
"Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

0 0

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster because it didn't work. The cashier told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on sale. Suddenly the woman yelled, "Grab my вrеаsтs! Grab my вrеаsтs!"
The cashier didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager. The woman explained to the manager that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he confirmed that he couldn't give her a refund.
Once again, she yelled, "Grab my вrеаsтs! Grab my вrеаsтs!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "I like my тiтs grabbed when I'm getting sсrеwеd!"

0 0

Last month I cut my energy bill in half.
Didn’t work though. I still had to pay the full amount.

0 0

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.

0 0

Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.
One says,
"My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."
The second one says,
"My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything."
The third kid says,
"You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

0 0

After a hard days work of making balloon animals and entertaining kids a clown asks his boss if he could have a raise and the boss replied "ha, after 20 years of working with you its about time you made me laugh!"

0 0

Say, Joe,” a man said to his friend, “how do you like your new job?”
“It’s the worst job I have ever had.” “How long have you been there?” asked his buddy.
“About three months.” Said Joe. “Why don’t you quit?” said his friend.
“No way. This is the fist time in 25 years that I have looked forward to going home after work.’

0 0

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you sтuрid ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

0 0

My boss rang me up after I was late for work.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m out to buy a wristwatch,” I replied.
“Do you know what time it is?” he queried again.
“I haven’t bought it yet,” I answered.

0 0

When a cat meets you, he's like, "Die." Then you work up to that purr; that purr means something. People are like, 'My dog loves me.' I'm like, 'Yeah, but your dog would also love a bag of sticks with your t-shirt on it.'

0 0

A boss bought a new BMW car. His employee congratulated and praised him. The boss said, “If you too would work hard, show sincerity, be punctual, don’t take leaves, work overtime, and meet deadlines then..."
“Then what, sir?” asked the employee eagerly.
“Then I can buy a car вiggеr than this!”

0 0

In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay. He searched and called for the bird, with no luck.
The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller asked. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’ So I'm guessing this is your bird?”

0 0

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:
"Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

0 0

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to sтriр down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say:
“Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

0 0

How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan?
None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin -- the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to -- would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced -- stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!

0 0

A CEO would always schedule weekly meetings at 4:30 PM every Friday. The co-workers always complained about it until one finally got courage to ask his boss, “Why do you put the meetings at Friday 4:30?”
“Because it’s the only time you guys don’t argue with me.”

0 0