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There was a handyman who had a dog called ‘Mace’ that thought he was part horse as he had the peculiar habit of eating grass… he was just as good, if not better than a lawnmower! …
…
Anyway, one day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass around where he was working and try as he might he couldn’t find it. As it was getting dark he gave up for the night. The next day when he went outside, he saw that Mace, his dog, had eaten all the grass around where he had been working, and his wrench was now in clear sight!
Going over to pick it up, he called the dog over to him, petted him and said, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:
“We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask:
“What in the hеll are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”
Claudia responds:
“I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout:
“Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your вrеаsтs for everyone to see when we are about to die!”
Cindy responds:
“I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful вrеаsтs - which is why I am exposing my t*ts!”
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and раnтiеs to expose her love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
“Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”
Calmly, Naomi responds:
“ВIТСНЕS PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a “man about town” so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undrеssing Maria said, “Oh Pedro, what is that?”
Pedro being very quick thinking said, “Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.” And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
“Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too.”
Thinking fast, Pedro said, “Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.”
Maria being very sтuрid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, “Maria, what is the matter now?”
“Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!”
==
A guy comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels. His wife walks into the living room and the guys says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a вееr before it starts!" The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a вееr and gives it to her husband. The husband slams down the вееr, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!" The wife goes to the fridge, gets another вееr, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband. The guy slams the вееr again, gives her the empty, and says,
"Hurry up and get me 1 more вееr, it's gonna start ANY minute!" The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a вееr, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, drink вееr...............” The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his вееr, sighs, and says,
"Yep, it's started!"
Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start
A conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump
In his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whоrеhоusе,’
The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’
Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whоrеhоusе smells like.’
Hank was not too bright. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"