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One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Thomas, came across from the other side of the building to ours. Just to start a conversation, another colleague, Peggy, asked,
"Is it raining heavily outside?" Without any expression, Thomas said,
"Sorry, I did not carry a weighing machine."
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said.
“Nothing to it - you’ll catch on again fast.
“Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said,
“OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”
I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over.
As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, “I’ll help you up.”
“Don’t touch her” I interrupted. “If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive.”
“That’s ridiculous” he replied.
I said, “I know what I’m doing pal, I’ve seen this kinda shiт on tv.”
So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance.
5 minutes later I called them back and said, “Cancel that ambulance, she’s not in pain anymore.”
“She’s okay then?” asked the operator.
I said, “No, she’s dead. Hit by an express train.”
This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he’d asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak.
Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to рее.
While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.
“I think it was sеx-related,” offered one of the crew.
“Sеx releated? How do you figure that?” said the investigator.
“Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, diск in his hand, screaming, ‘where did that соскsuскеr go???'”