John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".
A man goes into a Harley Davidson shop and while looking at bikes, the salesman comes up and asks if he has any questions.
The man then asks how he keeps the chrome looking so good on all these bikes? The salesman replies, "That's easy, I carry a jar of Vasoline in my pocket and when it looks like it's going to rain, I put Vasoline on all the chrome and wipe it off when it quits raining and no water spots." The guy says that makes sense and later picks a bike to purchase. After completing the paperwork, he rides the bike to a pharmacy and purchases a jar of Vasoline that he puts in his pocket.rnrnThe man then rides the bike over to his girlfriend's house and while they are standing outside looking at the bike, his girlfriend's phone rings. His girlfriend says that it's her parents and they want to invite them to dinner at their house. The guy agrees and says they can ride the bike over to their house.rnrnAs their walking up to the front door, the girlfriend says she needs to tell him something before they go inside. She tells him that you can't talk during dinner. The guy asks why, and the girlfriend says the first person to talk has to do the dishes. The guy thinks this to be a little strange, but says OK.rnrnWhen they get inside, the guy looks inside the kitchen and sees about two months worth of dirтy dishes piled up and thinks there is no way he's talking during dinner. They sit down and begin eating when a thought pops into the guys head. The guy grabs his girlfriend an d throws her up on the dining room table and rails the shiт out of her, but no one says a word. The guy then grabs his girlfriend's mom and throws her up on the table and rails her too, and again no one says anything. About that time, the guy hears thunder and reaches in his pocket to recover the jar of Vasoline. His girlfriend's father then says, "Fuск this shiт, I'll do the gоddамn dishes!"
A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor:
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad." Gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late, i had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present"."
Not to worry." Said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced. "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
It's nothing." Said the father. "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said. "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said. "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three kids gasp and said. "You mean we're ваsтаrds."
Yep." Said the dad. "And cheap ones too."
Morris calls his son in NY and says:
"Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened."
I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says,
"Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."