Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Мiск Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says. “It’s a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
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In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sеx with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sеxuаl relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s gеniтаls, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sеx for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to кill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sеx with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sеx with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?).
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55% of all men who have read this post have already booked their flights to Guam, the rest are considering it
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Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
“What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too. I don’t have one on hand, but I’ll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.”
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn’t care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn’t her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn’t changed.
“Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” the parrot said.
The owl said, “Who? Who?”
And the parrot said, “Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Вiтсh.
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It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly.
It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and рее, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to рее.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
“Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple оrgаsмs’ . . .”
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