Animal Jokes

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It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly.
It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and рее, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to рее.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
“Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple оrgаsмs’ . . .”
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Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you've never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits, but could not find their two main contestants, the tortoise and the hare, and were forced to search for replacements. Nobody in the village was willing to race, because they all wanted to bet on it and get drunк during the race.
After many hours of searching, they found the best replacements they could, which happened to be a snail and a dung beetle. Neither of them wanted to race, but were forced to do so by the rest of the villagers. And so the race was scheduled for the next day. That night, snail and dung beetle went out to the bar in order to prepare themselves for their race. After many hours, and many exotic, alcohol-filled drinks, snail and dung beetle were prepared for their race, and went off to their separate houses in order to get some sleep before the big race.
The next morning, snail got up early and headed out to the racetrack, and dung beetle did the same. They stood ready at the start line and got prepared for the race. Soon, the shot was fired, and the race began. The dung beetle appropriately pooped himself. and the snail hid inside his shell. The villagers went to war.
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Farmer Jones’ rooster died, and he went into town to buy a new one. When he got to the seed and feed store, he was told that they had sold out of roosters, and that he would have to wait for the next shipment. Farmer Jones told the salesman that he had a long way to travel, and that he needed a rooster bad, did he know where one could be had at this time? The salesman told him that actually, there was one rooster left in the back of the store that they had sold 10 times already, but that people had been bringing him back, and that the store was going to get rid of him in the morning.
Farmer Jones asked what the problem was, and the salesman told him that the rooster was a bit over sexed. Farmer Jones thought about it for a minute, and decided that there were enough hens around his farm to keep a rooster plenty busy, so asked what the rooster would cost. The salesman said that he could have him, that the rooster had caused so much trouble, that they were glad to be rid of him.
That night, Farmer Jones got home about bedtime, and let the new rooster out in the farmyard, and went to bed. There arose a din of noise such as Farmer Jones had never heard before, and he almost went out to see what was the problem, when he remembered what the salesman had told him about the rooster being oversexed, and he decided that the rooster would play himself out by morning…
The next morning, Farmer Jones awoke to total silence. He looked over at his wife, and saw her laying there sprawled out on the bed with her skirt hiked up, a blissful smile on her face. He next went to the window and looked out over the farmyard, and saw all the animals layed out on their backs, smiling blissfully. Concerned, Farmer Jones went out into the yard, and looked around. As far as the eye could see, there were farm animals sprawled out with this big smile on their faces, and he noticed that the bodies led off into the distance toward a hill. On top of this hill, he could make out the rooster, flat on his back with buzzards circling over head. The farmer made his way through the bodies, up to the hill, and stood over the rooster, and said, “Well old boy, ya done did yerself in.”
The rooster cocked an eye, and said in a whisper, “Shhhhh, they’re about to land!”
Animal Jokes
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
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