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Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

Dogs are tough.
I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy.

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Animal Jokes

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbor’s were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his еrестiоn and he will be able to withdraw..”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“Just worked on me,” he replied.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

The pet store was selling three parrots. A man who wants to buy a parrot approaches the clerk and asks, “How much are your parrots?”
The sales clerk answers, “The first one is $1,000.”
“What does he know?”
“He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and can solve mathematical expressions.”
“How about the second one?”
“The second parrot costs $5,000.”
“What does he know?”
“He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, can solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.”
“Then what is the price for the third one?” asked the buyer.
“This one costs $20,000.”
“Really?! What does he know?”
“This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS’."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Math Jokes

Customer: I'd like some poison for mice please.
Chemist: Have you tried Boots?
Customer: I want to poison them, not kick them to death.

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Animal Jokes

There are two bats in a cave and one says to the other "I could do with some blood right now" the other said,
"Me too but its almost sunrise". The first one said,
"Wait here" he flies off and comes back with a mouth full of blood. The 2nd bat says,
"Hey where'd ya get that blood from?" The other replies,
"Ya see that tree over there?"
"Yeah"
"Well I didn't"
The 2nd bat looks puzzled and says,
"What’s that got to do with blood?"
The first one rolls his eyes and flies off.

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Animal Jokes

I saw a report on CNN, and the report said the killer bees are coming -- the killer bees! But these were killer bees 'cause they were 'Africanized.' What are these -- hip hop bees?

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Animal Jokes

What do you get if you put a 20 ducks in a box?
A box of Quakers

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Animal Jokes

My goldfish is sеx mad.
He’s just tried to vigorously fuск the carpet and now he’s having a rest … … … Legend.

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Animal Jokes Sex Jokes

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".

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Animal Jokes

A baby seal walked into a club.

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Animal Jokes

Why does nobody care when you take a child swimming but when you take a chimpanzee everyone freaks out?

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Animal Jokes

I got a dog and named it "Twenty Miles". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

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Animal Jokes

What goes dot-dot-croak,dot-dot-croak?
Morse Toad.

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Animal Jokes

There are no limits to my perfection - a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.

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Animal Jokes

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up. The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies,
"Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

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Animal Jokes

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
“He had his own pew.”

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Animal Jokes

Man: i don't know what is wrong with my dog he was fine yesterday!
Vet: its okay i'll pick him up and take a look
Vet: hmmm i'm going to have to put him down.
Men: What! Why?
Vet: Because he's really f*cking heavy.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with мurdеr.

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Animal Jokes

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the hеll” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

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Animal Jokes

Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing?
Because they’ve got the same colour trunks.

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Animal Jokes