Aviation Jokes

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded…
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded and dirтy and full of Italians.
You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber.
“That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city.
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him.
He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of American Airlines s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel - it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the сrаррy haircut?”
Жена си прави прическа, преди да замине на екскурзия до Рим. Esto era un tipo ingenioso que se fue a cortar el pelo, y el peluquero resultó ser un charlatán de cuidado. Así hablando el tipo le contó: - Estoy pensando en ir de viaje a Roma. -¿ A Roma? Allí... Facet przed wycieczką do Rzymu postanowił jeszcze udać się do fryzjera. Podczas strzyżenia wspomniał fryzjerowi o wycieczce, a ten na to: - Rzym? Po co ktokolwiek chciałby tam jechać? Jest...
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From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinаl has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinаl trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to рiss on?"
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Αλβανία Ο Γάλλος, ο Ελληνας και ο Αλβανός Ρολόι Estavam três homens em um avião, um francês, um americano e um brasileiro. O francês colocou o braço para fora na janela e disse: Българин, французин и африканец се возят в самолет.Минават над Африка, пилотът пита: Летят в самолете русский, француз и американец. Француз руку высовывает из самолета, понюхал и говорит: Бай Ганьо, американецът и французинът пътували със самолет. Американецът си подал ръката от самолета и казал: - В Америка сме. - Как разбра? - попитали другите. - Напипах статуята на свободата. След малко и французинът си подал ръката и казал: - Във Франция сме. - Как разбра? - Напипах... Eskimos, Murzyn i Polak lecą samolotem. Murzyn wsadza rękę przez okno i mówi: - To mój kraj. Eskimos i Polak na to: - Czemu? Murzyn: - Bo ciepło. Później Eskimos wsadza rękę przez okno i mówi: - To mój kraj. Polak i Murzyn: - Czemu? Eskimos: - Bo zimno. Polak wsadza rękę przez okno i mówi: - To... Estavao em um avião os tres presidentes desses 3 países França,EUA e Brasil...De repente o presidente da França colokou o braço pra fora e falou -Estamos passando sobre a frança! os outros dois... num aviao tinha um americano,um frances e um brasileiro o americano ccoloca a mao pra fora e diz: _estamos na america ,por que : _encostei a mao na torre da liberdade ai o frances tambem coloca... tinha tres anoes no aviao um frances um americano e um brasilero o frances boto a mao pra fora do aviao e disse - estamos na frança botei a mao na torre heifel o americano boto a mao pra fora e... Iba un argentino, un chileno y un peruano: El peruano dice: - Ahh... ya estamos en mis tierras. - ¿Por qué? - preguntan todos- - Porque siento la buena brisa :D El argentino dice: - Ahh... ya... Az amerikai, francia és a román pilóták mindegyike nagyon büszke arra, hogy kapásból felismeri anyarepülőterét. Amerika felett repülnek, kinyúl az ablakon az amerikai: - Ez a New York-i Kennedy... Num avião tinha um inglês,Francês e um brasileiro. Os três estavam viajando quando o inglês levanta e diz: — Estamos na Inglaterra O francês pergunta: — Como você sabe? O Inglês responde: — Eu... Estaban tres presidentes en un avion. El de los estados unidos,mexico y el de francia. Entonces el de estados unidos saca la mano i dice estanos en estados unidos i le dicen por que i dice por que... Va un mejicano un americano y un frances en un avion y estaba muy nublado y havia mucha niebla y dice el frances apuesto que vamos por mi tierra dice y saca la mano por la ventana y dice si ahi... Van los presidentes de francia de estados unidos y de mexico en el avion presidensial y el de francia dice en forma presumida senores dejenme decirles que estamos en francia y los otros asombrados... Hay un argentino un italiano y un frances en un avion el italiano dice estamos en itali como sabes porque toque la torre de piza. despues el frances saca la mano por la vantana y dice estamos en... Era um avião de turismo. Ai o guia pos a mão para fora do aviaõ de turismo e falou estamos na frança ai todos os turistas disseram porque o guia disse e que eu passei a mão na torre eifel 1 hora...
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"Kein Grund zur Aufregung, meine Herrschaften", sagt der Pilot und springt mit dem Fallschirm aus dem brennenden Flugzeug, "ich hole nur Hilfe." Pendant un vol transcontinental (non ce n'est pas le vol TWA 800),, un passager proche d'un hublot s'aperçoit que deux des moteurs de l'avion sont en feu. Il commence à crier "LES MOTEURS SONT EN... Piloten hade fått noggranna instruktioner om att han skulle behandla passagerarna psykologiskt i alla situationer. Framför allt hade han fått lära sig attt aldrig säga eller göra något som kunde... Die Fluggäste sehen, dass der rechte Flügel des Flugzeugs Feuer gefangen hat. Nach einer kleinen Weile fängt auch der linke Flügel an zu brennen. Der Pilot kommt aus seiner Kabine, den Fallschirm...
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There were two strangers sitting in a bar, one says to the other. "Psst, wanna see somethin'?" The other man shrugged and agreed. The first man pointed to an object covered by a cloth. "Look under that cloth but DO NOT take it off. So the man walks over to the object that is quite large and peeks under it. However, when he saw what was under it he screamed and accidentally pulled the cloth off. It was a one eyed purple monster! The man was so scared he took off in his car. The monster was hot on his trail. He drove to the airport and on the plane he felt safe but he looked into the ocean and the monster was swimming after him to Africa! When he got there he ran off the plane without his luggage. He couldn't run anymore and the monster was coming closer. He could feel it's hot breath. He stopped and the monsters big hand reached down. The man knew this was his last day when he heard in a growling voice as an impact hit him, YOUR IT! And the monster ran away.
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There once was 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said this is disgusting and threw it out the window the 2nd man bit into a banana and said this is rotten and he threw it out the window the 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed " ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT" and he threw it out the window. Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying he replied an apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head! the police officer said that is weird and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked why are you crying and he answered a banana came flying out of the sky and hit he on the head the officer said this has been a strange day. Then he says a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said while he was laughing my dad farted and the house blew up.
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I am not a fаn of Facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel shiт about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook…..
Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children.
( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy ваsтаrds….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet)
Just cooked a lovely meal ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it!
(hope he chokes on it…and I didn’t cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess)
Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends…
( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shаgging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of вооzе…..never again.)
Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!!
( had to wash as covered in horse shiт and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.)
Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!
( because the fuскеrs ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.)
Had a lovely day with all the family today!
( what was lovely about it was when they went home)
Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school!
( hope she is fatter and looks older than me)
Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids!
( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals)
Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping!
( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments - just кill me now)
Going to have a lovely relaxing early night!
( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..)
You Can See Original Article by Anna Mathews here
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