Aviation Jokes - Page 17

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinаl has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinаl trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to рiss on?"

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A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Сhrisт the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."

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Nationality Jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake-$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.”

“Where?”

“In Denver,” she said.

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Aviation Jokes

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

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Men jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that shiт-eatin’ grin off your face.”

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Men jokes Pilot Jokes Old People Jokes Aviation Jokes Retirement Jokes Priest Jokes

Smart answer by a female...

On a flight, a guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him. "Nice perfume.....which brand is it? I want to gift it to my wife."

Lady replies, "Don't give it to her, some idiот will find an excuse to talk to her!"

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Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes

A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked,
"Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

I was visiting the grandkids out of state and one asked if I liked riding "ON" the airplane.
It makes me wonder how little Bobby knew I didn't have the money to by a ticket and had to hang on the tail section during the trip?

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Money jokes Aviation Jokes

A couple were travelling on a flight. An air hostess approaches the man, with an attractive lady following right behind her, and asks, "Sir, would you like an upgrade?"
He replied, "Oh yes, thank you."
The air hostess turns to his wife and says,
"Get up, let her sit here."

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline:
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,
"Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plain. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
“Do you always carry such heavy luggage? She asked, winded. “Never again!” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!"

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Aviation Jokes

Owner of a aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot.
He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. "Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!"
Owner replied, "How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?"
Supervisor said,
"He designed Windows software for Microsoft."

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Office and Work Jokes Aviation Jokes

I try not to think about this too much, but somewhere out there, flying the friendly skies, is the world's WORST pilot.

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Friendship Jokes Aviation Jokes

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back and said,
"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

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Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes

A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was incredulous to see that the pilot was reading, very concerned she asked a flight attendant, “Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn’t he supposed to be flying? “The woman fainted when the flight attendant said,
"Oh well, he’s just studying for his pilot license."

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Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes

I was inspecting a communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing sтriр in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing sтriр was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?" I asked.
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

An idiот called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” he asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" he said and hung up.

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Aviation Jokes

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

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Men jokes Aviation Jokes