An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that shiт-eatin’ grin off your face.” 0 0 0
Smart answer by a female... On a flight, a guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him. "Nice perfume.....which brand is it? I want to gift it to my wife." Lady replies, "Don't give it to her, some idiот will find an excuse to talk to her!" 0 0 0
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. 0 0 0
There were two strangers sitting in a bar, one says to the other. "Psst, wanna see somethin'?" The other man shrugged and agreed. The first man pointed to an object covered by a cloth. "Look under that cloth but DO NOT take it off. So the man walks over to the object that is quite large and peeks under it. However, when he saw what was under it he screamed and accidentally pulled the cloth off. It was a one eyed purple monster! The man was so scared he took off in his car. The monster was hot on his trail. He drove to the airport and on the plane he felt safe but he looked into the ocean and the monster was swimming after him to Africa! When he got there he ran off the plane without his luggage. He couldn't run anymore and the monster was coming closer. He could feel it's hot breath. He stopped and the monsters big hand reached down. The man knew this was his last day when he heard in a growling voice as an impact hit him, YOUR IT! And the monster ran away. 0 0 0
There once was 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said this is disgusting and threw it out the window the 2nd man bit into a banana and said this is rotten and he threw it out the window the 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed " ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT" and he threw it out the window. Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying he replied an apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head! the police officer said that is weird and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked why are you crying and he answered a banana came flying out of the sky and hit he on the head the officer said this has been a strange day. Then he says a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said while he was laughing my dad farted and the house blew up. 0 0 0
whats the difference between al qaeda and ms frizzle? One flew a plane into the twin towers one flew a bus into the school 0 0 0
I am not a fаn of Facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel shiт about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook…..Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children. ( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy ваsтаrds….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet)Just cooked a lovely meal ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it! (hope he chokes on it…and I didn’t cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess)Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends… ( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shаgging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of вооzе…..never again.)Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!! ( had to wash as covered in horse shiт and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.)Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today! ( because the fuскеrs ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.)Had a lovely day with all the family today! ( what was lovely about it was when they went home)Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school! ( hope she is fatter and looks older than me)Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids! ( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals)Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping! ( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments - just кill me now)Going to have a lovely relaxing early night! ( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..)You Can See Original Article by Anna Mathews here 0 0 0
Police today arrested a Thalidomide couple at Heathrow Airport.They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane. 0 0 0
A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked,"Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway." 0 0 0
I was visiting the grandkids out of state and one asked if I liked riding "ON" the airplane.It makes me wonder how little Bobby knew I didn't have the money to by a ticket and had to hang on the tail section during the trip? 0 0 0
A couple were travelling on a flight. An air hostess approaches the man, with an attractive lady following right behind her, and asks, "Sir, would you like an upgrade?"He replied, "Oh yes, thank you."The air hostess turns to his wife and says,"Get up, let her sit here." 0 0 0
Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline:You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,"Just once."No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. 0 0 0
A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plain. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.“Do you always carry such heavy luggage? She asked, winded. “Never again!” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!" 0 0 0
Owner of a aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot.He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. "Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!"Owner replied, "How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?"Supervisor said,"He designed Windows software for Microsoft." 0 0 0
I try not to think about this too much, but somewhere out there, flying the friendly skies, is the world's WORST pilot. 0 0 0
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston.Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.Instead she sat back and said,"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me." 0 0 0
A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was incredulous to see that the pilot was reading, very concerned she asked a flight attendant, “Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn’t he supposed to be flying? “The woman fainted when the flight attendant said,"Oh well, he’s just studying for his pilot license." 0 0 0