Dad Jokes - Page 32

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urinе?
Line dancing at a nusing home.
What is the square root of 69?
Ate something
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing sсrеwеd up by a period.
What do соw pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
What does a rubix cube and a Реnis have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.
How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sреrм count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
How is рuвiс hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U. S.
Why did god invent alcohol?
So fат women can get laid too.
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!
What did one saggy тiт say to the other saggy тiт?
If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blond electrician.
What have women and condoms got in common?
If they’re not on your diск they’re in your wallet.
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the аss and say, “You’re next Baby… !”
Why were the two whоrеs travelling in London рissеd off?
Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
Why is sреrм white and рiss yellow?
So you know if you’re сuммing or going
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Shoot him in the face!
What’s the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
A recent survey shows that sреrм banks beat blood banks in contributions…HANDS DOWN!
What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
I can’t get a hard-on because I was just layed.
What is Moby Diск’s dad’s name?
Papa Boner
Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not fсuкing blue.
Mom: If a boy touches your воовs say “don’t” and if he touches your рussy say “stop”?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”

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Guy: When does your dad get out of prison?
Girl: He’s not in prison.
Guy: Well if I was your dad I’d be in prison.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Dad Jokes

The following conversation took place between a 7 year old and his dad.
Boy: You know that thing between your legs?
Dad: Yeah!
Boy: Why do girls eat it?
Dad: How do you know about that?
Boy: I saw mommy eating uncle Jeff’s

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

We was broke, and on top of that, I had a cheap аss dad, one of those 'I'll make it for you' dads. Everything I got was homemade, right down to my Schlitz malt liquor вееr can walkie-talkies.

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

An eight-year-old kid says to his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”
The dad says, “I am sorry -- can’t have it both ways.”

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

"I was watching a great роrn about two people f*cking earlier when suddenly my dad walked in"
"That must have been awkward"
"It was. I didn't even know my dad was a роrn star"

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said; let's see what you have accomplished. He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. What do you have to say about this Johnny? Well dad at lease you know I'm not cheating.

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viаgrа and asked if he could have one.
His son said,
"Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said,
"I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$30 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said,
"Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said,
"That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

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Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

Son:
"Dad, aren't you getting ready to office today?"
Dad:
"I am working from home today. Get ready soon otherwise you will be late to school."
Son:
"Dad, I am not going to school today."
Dad:
"Why?"
Son:
"I am studying from home today."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'

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Religion jokes God Jokes Dad Jokes

SON: Hey dad remember when I killed that butterfly and you said no butter for a week
Dad: yeah?
SON: and when I killed that honeybee you said no honey for a week
DAD: And
SON: Yeah, well mum just killed a cockroach should I break it to her?
Dad: ......

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the сrар out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside the house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the lettering on the door of the car said, “Central Electric Company” and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the сrар out of me again.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, “How are you so good at this?”
“Years of practice,” she said.
“Bit of a player in your day?” I laughed.
“No,” she replied, “my dad had no arms.”

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Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I used to think my dad suffered from tourettes but it turns out he just thinks I’m a c*nt.

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Dad Jokes

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, “Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this?
Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them.
Little boy: Okay!
The next day
*little boy comes in shocked*
Dad: What happened?!
Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers
Dad: ...

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

Vikas was singing in the bath and I could not understand the words so I asked him, "What are you singing?"
He replied, "Dad isn't very good at this song so I am singing it in fast forward "

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Dad: Hey son what is 2 x 2?
Son: A tie
Dad: Ok, what is 2 x 1?
Son: An offer

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Dad Jokes

The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
I searched for the tools
To hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
And we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
My heart skipped a beat -
Let no parts be missing
Or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept веnт at our work,
Till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
There's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

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Office and Work Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes Single People Jokes

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad…
Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!
Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!
Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?
Bob: I think so…
Little Johnny: Yeah, that’s my father’s ваlls.

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes