Food Jokes - Page 55

A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip, three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man. Barely able to conceal his pride."
The man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says,
"Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

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What cake makes you feel uncomfortable? Stomachache.

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Food Jokes

Why do you never get rat or mouse flavored cat food?

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a nature history lesson.
"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer, "They don't have a union?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Food Jokes

Yo momma is dumb she put cat food in her pants to feed her pussy

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Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

In an office:
Toilet out of order … please use floor below
In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
Notice in a farmer’s field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the веll doesn’t work).

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes

“I’d like two pork chops,” asked the woman to her butcher, “and make them lean.”
“Yes ma’am,” said the polite butcher, standing then on end. “Which way?”

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes

A man, woman and an Antartian were each going into the desert on a car trip. They could only bring one thing. The man brought some food, so they wouldn't starve to death, the woman brought some water so they wouldn't dehydrate. Now the Antartian, he brought a car door, so he could role down the window if he got hot!

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes

Everyone thinks the youngest has it easy. Parents took it easy on you. No, more like they ignore you. I was born, and they were like, 'Listen, your name is Michael. There's food in the fridge.'

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Kids Jokes Food Jokes

A customer walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. The waiter brings it out and there's a fly in the bowl.
"Waiter, this soup has a fly in it," the customer says. "Please bring me another."
The waiter walks into the kitchen and tells the chef, "Another fly for the customer."

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Food Jokes

When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading.
There is nothing fun about your candy bar being the size of a regular bar.
You should call them what they are... “disappointment-sized.”

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Food Jokes

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

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Food Jokes

I actually dated this one girl -- she was a vegan -- one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, 'Oh, I don't believe in sugar.' Вiтсh, it exists!

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Food Jokes

The priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary said,
"Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest:
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

I just finished a 14 day diet plan... in 6 hours and 32 minutes!

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Food Jokes

Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a g**dамn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.

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Food Jokes

Раddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food.
Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Раddy to go on without him. Раddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch.
Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he makes his way to the top of the ridge only to look down into a bowl shaped valley, at one solitary tree with a sandwich on every branch.
The two friends run to the tree and pick a sandwich off the tree and take a bite only for a hundred screaming ancient warriors to appear intent on taking there lives.
Murphy says “Раddy this was no bacon butty tree this was a ham bush”

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Food Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes

- Ever wonder.
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- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
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- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid.
- Made with real lemons?
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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why.
- Don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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- If соn is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Joe and Mark, two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and refreshments. At the end of the party, they both went outside.
Joe crossed the street, while Mark wandered into a subway entrance. When Joe came back, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where did you go?" Joe asked enthusiastically.
"I don't know," gushed Mark, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

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Food Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes