Food Jokes - Page 59

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeep said,
"Sorry, but we dont serve mushrooms." The mushroom replies, "Why, I'm a fun guy"

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Food Jokes

The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

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Food Jokes

What's the worst kind of flower you can give someone?
Cauliflower

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Food Jokes

I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

There are some people that are not fun people to go out and eat with. There's a type of person, wherever you go out, they want a bite of whatever you have. You know who you are. And they always lie, like, 'What is that? I've never had that before. No, I swear to God, I never had that. Give me a bite of that would you? What is that? A ham-burger? I've heard of that. Give me half of that.'

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God Jokes Food Jokes

Cannibals like to meat people.

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Food Jokes

A man entered a diner and ordered a large bowl of soup. A big horse fly then flew into the bowl. The startled man saw the fly, then retorted to the waiter. "Look at this bowl, what do you see? A horse fly right? What is it doing in my soup?"
The waiter, not sure how to reply, said,
"I'm not sure, but it looks like the backstroke to me."

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Food Jokes Men jokes

The man applied for a job with a chain food store. “What is your experience with groceries?” asked the interviewer. “Well,” said the applicant. “I’m eating them all the time.”

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. …
…
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, … ‘If you were to be the President, what’s the first thing you would do?’ …
…
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’ …
…
‘Wow - what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. …
You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’ … …
She thought that over for a few seconds, ’cause she’s only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’
And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Political Jokes Friendship Jokes

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

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Food Jokes

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

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Food Jokes

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Did you hear about the fire in the bakery?
It burned 20 cakes and 30 loaves of bread, and there were plenty of hot cross buns!

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Food Jokes

Some people hate bad waiters; I don't mind them. My mother, though, she'll tip a bad waiter a соndом so he won't reproduce.

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Food Jokes

Was at the restaurant for dinner with the Wife earlier this evening.
Me: The food looks delicious, lets eat
Wife: Honey, at home don’t you pray before eating.
Me: Thats at home Sweetheart………. Here the Chef knows how to cook..
And for those of you wondering……YEAH I’m spending the night on the sofa again.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

I stop at a Burger King. I wasn't hungry; I just go in to harass the employees. I go and I address them by their first name. This confuses the hеll out of them because they have forgotten they're wearing a name tag.

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Food Jokes

Was coming out of the store earlier, I just bought some Oreos and some Сhiрs Ahoy. So I get outside, there's this guy like, 'Hey brother, it's my birthday today.' And that was the first time in my life, without any sarcasm, I could say, 'What? You want a cookie or something?' Because any other time you say that, you being mean, but I meant it from my heart. 'How many cookies you want, man? You want seven cookies? That's way too many cookies. You're being ridiculous right now. You can take, like, three or four cookies and get out of my face. Otherwise you're taking advantage of my generosity.'

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Food Jokes Men jokes

Despite popular health opinions, donuts are good for you. They're a positive snack!
Have you ever heard of a "don'tnut"?

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Food Jokes

Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”

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God Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I was over in the Middle East in November. And I'm hanging out with a cousin, and he's driving us around, showing us the city and Cairo. Arabs are all anti-American right now. I witnessed it first hand. I'm over there and I'm driving around with him, and he's just like, 'Believe me, cousin, America is very bad. They're weak, very weak. America, they think they own everything. C'mon, they will fall. America just a paper tiger. They will fold. Yeah, yeah -- you hungry? You want something to eat? We have McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Applebee's -- you like Applebee's?'

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Food Jokes USA Jokes