Food Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Dear Diary, …
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Aug 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It’s so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. …
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Oct 14 - Canada-it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to кill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec 12 - More snow last night. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec 19 - More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. It’s beautiful here but I’m exhausted from shoveling. Fuскing snow plow.
Dec 22 - More of that white shiт fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the corner until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Аsshоlе.
Dec 25 - Merry Fuскing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plow, I swear I’ll кill the ваsтаrd. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fuскing ice.
Dec 27 - More white shiт last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white shiт and it’s so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shiт again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec 28 - That fuскing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shiт this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that ваsтаrd came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shiт he had pushed into my driveway, I dамn near broke my last one over his fuскing head.
Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a dамnеd deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fuскing beasts should be killed. The ваsтаrds are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fuскing salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
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Two mates were reminiscing about the party they’d been at last weekend …
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“Great party that, last week, wasn’t it?”…
“Wow, yes, great food, great вооzе, great girls…and a posh house to boot.” …
“Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?”
“Never…. They had a gold-plated toilet?” …
“What?, I can’t remember that, you must have been really drunк.” …
“No, honestly, I remember thinking…’posh!’ ” …
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The argument went backwards and forwards…yes, no, yes, no. Finally they decided to prove once and for all who was correct…. They looked up the address and went to the house. A woman came to the door and one of the men said…”Excuse me, we were at your party last weekend and we’re having a difference of opinion, tell us please…have you, or have you not, got a gold-plated toilet? My mate here says ‘yes’ but I disagree.” …
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The woman turned round and shouted to her husband… “George…. I’ve found the ваsтаrd that crapped in your Sousaphone!”
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​A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says,
"Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”
"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."
"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”
“Selma who?” asks the angel.
“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."
“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”
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My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:
Dear Father Christmas,
I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday’s it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.
Sincerely, Edna
My mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear Father Christmas,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I’m sure we’ll all have a very nice day and I’ve told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those fuскin’ thieving ваsтаrds at the Royal Mail …
Sincerely, Edna
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Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
You are going to die anyway, so live life.
They also try to avoid natural foods as most people die from natural diseases, and deep frying will кill all the germs.
So here it is!
The Southerner’s Medical Dictionary
Artery………………………. The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. Back door to cafeteria
Barium……………………… What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………… What you be, after you be eight
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan………………….. Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………. Made eye contact with her
Colic…………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………. To live long
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent………………….. Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates……………………. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………… I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………. Dамn near killed him
Secretion…………………. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine………………………. Opposite of you’re out
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- Две кексчета си стояли във фурната и се пекли. 2 банички се пекат във фурната и едната казала на другата: Две кексчета се печат и едното казва: Sind zwei Muffins in einem Ofen. Sagt der eine: "Himmel nochmal, ist mir heiß!" Darauf der andere: "Waaah! Ein sprechender Muffin!" Treffen sich zwei Muffins im Ofen sagt der eine: Ahhh, ich verbrenne!!! Sagt der andere: Hilfe ein sprechender Muffin!!! Det var två muffins i en ugn och då sa den ena - Oj vad varmt det är och då säger den andra - Holy shit, en talande muffin. Det var to muffinser inne i en stekovn. Den ene sier: – ÅÅåå så varmt det er. Den andre sier: – Næ, se! En snakkende muffins! Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other: "Man, it's hot in here!" The other one says: "Ah! A talking muffin!" Der sad 2 muffins i en ovn. - Den ene muffin sagde “Nej hvor er der varmt herinde.” - Så råbte den anden “Ahhhh en talende muffin.” Det var en gång två muffins i en ugn. Den första muffinsen sa: - Ojj, Vad hett det är här inne. Den andra muffinsen sa: - Hjääälp, en talande muffins!!! Två muffins sitter i ugnen. Den ena frågar den andra: - Tycker du det börjar bli varmt här inne? Den andra svarar: - Aaargh, en talande muffins... Två muffinsar ligger i en ung. Den ena utbrister: - Fasen va varmt det är här! Den andra förvånat: - Oh!Oj! En talande muffins! Estaban dos muffins en el horno y uno le dice al otro:uff! que calor y el otro responde:Ah! ¡un muffin que habla! Sind zwei Muffins im Backofen. Der Erste: Mensch ist das heiß hier drin. Der Zweite: Ahhh Hilfe ein sprechender Muffin! There are two muffins in an oven. The muffin on the left turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting hot in here." The one on the right then says, "Holy sh*t, a talking muffin!" One day there were two muffins in an oven, one of the muffins said, “man its hot in here.” The other one said “Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!” Dois bolinhos estavam no forno. Um bolinho chegou e disse: — Ai!Tá quente aqui! O outro bolinho disse: — HAHAHA!Um bolinho falante! Twee muffins zitten in de oven. Zegt de ene muffin tegen de andere: "Hee, zullen we ontsnappen" Zegt de andere muffin: "Aaaa een praatende muffin" Lololololol Két muffin van a sütőben az egyik megszólal: - ÁÁÁ Égek!!! Erre a másik: - ÁÁÁ ez beszél!!!
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