Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

Experienced ice fisher has spent an hour at his fishing hole but is not having luck. He sees a kid sitting nearby on the ice pulling in one fish after another out of the water with his pole. Finally the older gentleman trudges over to the kid and asks him, "I've been watching ya kid, what's your trick?"
The kid mumbles with his lips tightly clamped shut, "M-mmm-mmmm-mmm." When asked again the gentleman gets the same response, "M-mmm-mmmm-mmm." Only this time with more emphasis.
Upon asking the third time the kid spits out a glossy sticky worm into his hand and says,
"Ya gotta keep your worms warm!"

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School kids were having a debate about the U. S. Presidential election.
Emma said, “We need a candidate who is willing to tax the ultra rich and give to the poor”.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I didn’t know Robin Hood was running!”

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes

Our relations with Cuba suск right now. Why? Because of that kid. Look, you know what? I'm sorry this all happened, but I am so tired of hearing about this kid. I don't wanna see his face again unless it's on a carton of milk.

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News and Politics Jokes Kids Jokes

Kid- Can I use the restroom?
Teacher- May I use the restroom!
Kid- Hey I asked first!

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Kids Jokes

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
“Do you have any kids?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “I have one child that’s under two.”
She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Blonde Jokes

*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said,
"What-chu talkin'
'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirтy clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.

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Kids Jokes Christmas Jokes Friendship Jokes

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Father:
"Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son:
"Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Trying to be a good father, Jack took his son Tommy to the movies. He drove uptown to the Hoyts Theater, and there they watched an exceptionally long movie.
Afterwards, as they were heading to the car, the father asked his son, "Did you like the movie, Tommy?"
"Yeah, Dad, but I think I know why they call it Hoyts Theater."
Puzzled by this comment, the father asked,
"Why?"
And the little boy replied, "Because it Hoyts when you get up!"

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

You have to field some tough questions when you're a parent, though. My kids came back from visiting my grandmother recently, and they're like, 'Dad, does Nana really have to die?' I'm like, 'Well, she did commit a capital сriме. Those are the rules.'

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Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dad Jokes

There are people starving to death all around the world, people waiting for a bag of flour to fall out of a helicopter. I'm sitting on the couch, scratching my nuts, going, 'This is ridiculous. You know how many beers I've had to drink while I wait for this kid to show up?'

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Kids Jokes Food Jokes

How do you catch a squirrel that likes hazel nuts?
Climb a tree, act like a nut but whisper, "Oh, Filbert."

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Kids Jokes

How do Asians name their kids? They throw them down the stairs and see what kind of sounds they make

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Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A father buys his son 2 Goldfish, and once the father has given the boy the fish, he tells him he must call the goldfish 1 and 2. Puzzled, the boy asks his father why this is, well the father replies, if 1 dies, you still got 2!!!

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Kids Jokes

2 kids were fighting a boy and a girl
The girl says"If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee"
The boy answers"If you were my wife I would drink it"

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Kids Jokes Insult Jokes

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said,
"Can I have a cookie?"

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Men jokes

A little johnnys parents decided that the only way to have a quickie while their son johnny was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So little johnny stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. “A police car has just called at the Hamilton’s’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having sеx.” Hearing this, little johnnys parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sеx?”
“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A girl drew a picture of a car on a long road with a driver and 2 people in back seat and there were tree's in the background.
They ask her what story did that represent.
She said that is when God drove Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden.

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Kids Jokes God Jokes

They show these commercials in always the same happy, optimistic mood, like women are all looking for the good news they're pregnant.

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Kids Jokes

There once was a little boy and a teacher, and the teacher said "You better learn your ABC's tonight little kid." So the little kid went home and asked his mom,"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" And she said,
"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So he went to his sisters room and asked,"Hey sis, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" She said,"Oh yeah!" Wanting to learn more, he went to the his brothers room and asked," Yo bro, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" He said ... BATMAN!
Then he went outside and asked the garbageman,"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" So the garbageman said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE.
The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked the little kid," Did you learn your ABC's yesterday?" And the little kid said,"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So the teacher asked,"Do you want to go to the principal's office young man?!"He said,"Oh yeah!" Off he went to the principal's office and the principal said,
"What's your name sir?" The little boy said, ... BATMAN! Then the principal asked," where do you live?" So the little boy said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE!"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes