Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

My family were so poor that every night my dad used to take me to KFC to liск other peoples fingers.

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I just had a phone call . My best mate’s Mother-in-law passed away this morning and he just finished with the undertaker .
I said ‘I am sorry Jim , are you having her embalmed , buried or cremated?’
He said ‘ ALL THREE MATE I ‘m taking NO CHANCES!’

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Marriage and Family Jokes

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said:
'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

The Mother-in-Law came round this morning .
I knew it was her because next door’s Rotweiller was whimpering .
I let her in the hallway and she started ( Always criticising the old bat ! )
She pointed to a frame on the wall and said ‘Oh !
I suppose that hideous painting on the wall there is what you call Modern art?’
I said ‘No Mother-in-Law . It’s the new MIRROR!’

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Marriage and Family Jokes

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his super-critical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How’d you know?"
"Because that’s the one I didn’t like."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

The comments of a young mother: Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

My girl Puerto Rican, man, and I don't think her family understands me. All they know is that I'm black and do comedy. They be calling me Eddie Murphy.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

My wife has become very insecure in her middle age.
“I’m so jealous of you,” she said. “You’re still good looking and full of confidence.”
“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “It should be me who is jealous of you.”
“Really?” she asked, as her face lit up.
“Of course,” I said. “You get to be married to me. I’m stuck with a fат arsed, miserable вiтсh.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Fat Jokes

I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

So there was a plane and in that plane was 4 people a Pilot,Lawyer,Priest, and a kid. The plane is going down and fast but there was only 3 parachutes so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that is expecting" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane. The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. So now there is only 1 parachute left the Priest notices this and tells the kid " Son go ahead take the last one I have lived my life" The boy looks around the plane and says "wait we can both live" the priest says " well how can that be?", the boy says " because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack" ????

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.
"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Every few days Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama accuse and criticize what the other has said or meant. They are beginning to sound like they are married to each other.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Political Jokes

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

I gave my son a piggy bank for his birthday, “you’ll thank me for this when you’re grown-up and getting married” I told him.
“Is it so I can save up and treat my future bride to the wedding day of her dreams?” He asked.
“No son, I just want you to get used to the fact that you’re going to end up with a pig that takes every penny”.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, 'You know, Chelsea, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I'm like, 'Listen, f**knut, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes

My wife did something last night with her mouth that all men love…..
She shut it.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A woman walks into the store to return a pair of eye glasses that she purchased for her husband a week ago.
What seems to be the problem madam.
I am returning these glasses i bought for my husband as he is still not seeing things my way

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on. She replies,
"I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.”
She rubbed Baby Oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum Powder.
“Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a Statue. ’
“What’s this..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a вееr.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin’ days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a dамnеd thing.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

I went to Iraq, and the ironic thing is, everybody in my family that's pro-war was against me going. 'Tom, you have a nine-month-old son -- why the hеll would you go to Iraq?' Like, I'm just looking for one good night's sleep this year.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Military Jokes