Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Wife:
"Every sunday you go for fishing, right?"
Husband:
"Yeah... Why?"
Wife:
"Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."

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Three Vicars and their wives are all killed in the same accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter tells the first Vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved вооzе. That’s why you married a woman named Brandy.” So they go off, and St Peter tells the second vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved money. That’s why you married a woman named Penny.” When they go, St Peter tells the third vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first…” The third vicar replies: “I know,” turns to his wife and says: “Come on, Fаnny.”

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it.
Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Prison Jokes

Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
Husband: How does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey.
Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing.
He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey.
After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead
She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it."
"Why?" asked the lady.
He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding.
The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!"
The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!"
The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady."
The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law.
The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt.
The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt."
Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up".
Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?"
"ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNК," the wife states.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?
Beautician: Maybe.
Does he still drink a lot?

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beauty Jokes

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hеll did you leave your wheelchair?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Doctor:
"Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."
Husband:
"Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Rabbit:
"I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I m all out of carrots. What should I do?"
Friend:
"Don't worry; be hoppy!"

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes

A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunк, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Golf jokes

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes Wedding jokes Love Jokes

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sеx.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sеx maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have оrаl sеx now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Baby Jokes

It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future.
He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities.
He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk.
This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer.
His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town.
For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows.
I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows.
Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his.
In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough.
I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in.
A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.
"My name is Gonzales.
I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said.
"For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows.
The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his.
In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern.
"My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?
Pupil: I don’t know, nobody I know owns one!

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes