Men jokes - Page 62

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fаrт, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dаммiт... third fuскing rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

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At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.
Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for - Big Guy?"
"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General."

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Once Odhiambo a dark kenyan man was travelling to london by air sitting next to a white lady with his pet monkey.
Oodhiambo stood up and went to the washrooms and when he came back he found his bunch of bananas missing.
He asked the white lady "Sorry your brother here ate them all" she said while patting the monkey.
After a while the lady got up and went to the washroom to come back and find his pet monkey dead
She inquired on the matter, Odhiambo camly replied "I killed it."
"Why?" asked the lady.
He replied "This is family matter it doesnt concern you."

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Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?

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A man goes to a bar and sees a fат girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper.
"Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
Two days later her doorbell rings.
"Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you are great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Tim replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

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A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

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You know who's mad at Kobe?
Every other player in the NBA.
You know why?
Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring.
Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum.
Cause you know how women are, man.
Women get upset:
"Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that вiтсh get my $3 million, too?"

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What did God say when he made the first niggеrs?
Oops! Burnt another one!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Black People Jokes

A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunк, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

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Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea.
The second also asks for tea.
"And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter.
When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple.
Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.

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A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.
He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you.
" He turns and asks the dog:
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

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Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

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A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves.
Finally, he asked the patient:
"Have you had this trouble before?"
He answered:
"Yes."
Doctor said:
"You have again got it."

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Man walks into a bar and sits next to another customer.
Bartender comes over and says to the new customer, "what can I get you?"
Customer says "bourbon and coke."
Bartender looks at first customer and says another "вееr Jаскаss?"
He says nods his head yes.
10 minutes later bartender comes back to check to see if customer wants another bourbon and coke and customer says "sure."
Bartender looks at first customer and says "another вееr Jаскаss?"
And customer nods yes.
Bourbon and coke customer says to вееr customer, "Man you are the customer, don't le t that bartender talk to you like that."
Beer customer says "it's ok he al, he al, He always calls me that!"

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A man fell out of a tenth-story window.
He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.
A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"
The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."

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