Money jokes - Page 26

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.

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Money jokes

You can't buy happiness but you can buy wееd… and that's pretty close.

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Money jokes Drug Jokes

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."

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School Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Yo momma so poor...
Burglars break into yo momma's home and leave money.

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Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Doctor to woman:
"What is the matter about your husband?"
Woman:
"He is worrying about MONEY."
Doctor:
"I think I can relieve him of that."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

I bought a Jewish sports car.
Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too.
I've heard they're gas guzzlers though.

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Car and driving jokes Money jokes Jewish Jokes

Yo' Mama is so skanky, when the waiter brought out her sтriр steak, she asked where to tuck the dollar bills.

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Yo' Mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to liск other people's fingers.

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Money jokes Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Yo' mama so poor, she fills her ice trays with toilet water!

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Yo' Mama is so poor, she only goes to the grocery store for free samples.

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Money jokes Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Yo' Mama is so poor, she got married for the rice.

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Yo' Mama is so poor, her bathroom consists of a tin can and a pile of leaves.

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Yo' Mama is so poor, she considers the give-a-penny/take-a-penny cups part of her own "Save Yo' Mama" foundation.

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Мiск Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

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Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes Banker Jokes Dad Jokes Boss Jokes

Robert came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', Asked Robert.
'I'm going to Nairobi', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get 4000 a night for what I give you for free!
'Robert said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
Robert said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on 8000 a year!'

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned. "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would аssаulт the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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Money jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What do you call a group financial controller who's lost his job?
A: Bob.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Accountant Jokes