Money jokes - Page 79

I am so Broke... when I stop at a street corner, the homeless give me money.
I am so Broke... my bank statement shows TWO decimals points on my current balance.
I am so Broke... a televangelist said that all of His children will prosper, except this guy and shows my picture.
I am so Broke... mathematicians can now show that if you divide any number by zero, it will equal what is in my bank account.
I am so Broke... I can't afford anything Free.
I am so Broke... even my IP address is 00.00.00.00
I am so Broke... I am proof that multiplying a negative and a negative WILL give you a negative again.
I am so Broke... when I use a calculator to get the value of Pi, all I get is .1

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Why is it hard to believe Elsa is the queen of Frozen?
Because every time somebody with a small child walks past her products in a store their assets start leaking.

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Money jokes

Recently had a great money saving idea. Instead of paying for teeth whitening I’ve decided to get a sun-tan instead.

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Money jokes

I’ve been going through some real money troubles. Realizing this, my Gran gave me her pearl earrings.
“They’ve been passed down through the generations,” she said, “but needs must.”
Great. Now I’m broke and I look super gаy as well.

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Money jokes Masturbation jokes

A few animals are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night with the check.
The skunk says,
"Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."
The duck says,
"Just put it on my bill!"
The соw says,
"You'll have to ask one of the udders."
The elephant blurts out, "It's on me, I have enough money in the trunk!"

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Money jokes Animal Jokes

Me: *makes a flat joke*
Friend: Wow! Want a prize for that?
Me: Yeah, why not, I can just refund it and get the money you paid for it with
Friend: How 'bout I just punch you in the face? You can't refund that!
Me: No, I'll just return that.

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes

An Antartian is standing in front of a pop machine repeatedly putting in money and taking out the sodas.
Finally, the person waiting in line behind her gets impatient and asks, "Ma'am, what are you doing?"
The Antartian replies,
"Duh, I'm winning!"

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Money jokes

A thief broke into my house last night... He started searching for money...
So I woke up and searched with him.

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Money jokes

I have decided to RETIRE and live off my savings...
Though I'm not sure what I will use the second week...

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Money jokes

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

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Money jokes

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing -- $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

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Sports Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes

I asked my psychiatrist why is it every time I eat sardines, I dream about being attacked by sharks. He answered, “It’s all about guilt and self payback.”
Considering how much money it cost for one hour of his time, he must dream about his watch turning all green and wrinkled.

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a house of prostitution. “You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “it’s actually real romantic.”
“Oh, yeah?” responded the man. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids - and she thought I was bowling. “And to clinch it all, the madam wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl!”

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

Just kissing a girl on a night out is like buying a scratchcard and getting your money back…. Ye you’re getting something but it’s not what you want.

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Money jokes Dating Jokes

I got in trouble with American Express. They said to start leaving home without it.

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Money jokes

A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years."
"Twice a week, you say?"
"Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

The name of this song is 'Things We Want to Know.' The first verse is things men want to know about women; second verse is things women want to know about men. Here are the guys:
'Why do you think you're so pretty? And why do you wear the раnтy hose? And why do you drink so much and don't have no money? And why do you mess with my stereo?' Here are the ladies:
'Why are all your friends so sтuрid? And why don't you wipe the toilet seat? Why is your fantasy to be with two women -- and you can't handle me?'

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

I knew it was a waste of money buying a top of the range sеx-doll for my twelve year old son, one with fully functioning аnus and mouth.
He seemed more interested in playing with the box.

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Money jokes Sex Jokes

Not very many dyкеs dropping by Rosie O’Donnell’s house lately. No amount of money can retain them. …
…
Rosie has simply grown too big for her вiтсhеs…

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Money jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Friend: Is that one of thoose ugly paintings that are worth a lot of money?
Other Friend: No it's called a Mirror
Friend: ..................

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Money jokes Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes