New year jokes

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On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the sтrоке of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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I had a quiet New Year’s Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sеx session to end the night.
I hate prison.

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My New Year’s Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sеxuаl stamina.
Day two and so far so good.
I just hope I can keep it up.

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Holiday Revelers, just remember: …. …..
1) Alcohol is not the 5th food group. …. …..
2) You’re on your own if the parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. …. …..
3) You have a real problem if you have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. …. …..
4) It’s time to quit if the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. …. …..
5) You can’t change a chandelier bulb by holding the bulb to the socket and letting the room spin. …. …..

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New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

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For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sеx.
If 2014 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

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I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

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I think women get more excited about New Year’s Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year’s Eve? You get drunк and make a lot of promises you don’t keep. You see, men do that all the time, it’s called dating!!

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I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution.
1024×768.

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My New Years resolution for 2014 is gonna be for me to stop procrastinating

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I had no idea time zones were so far apart…
Just landed in China and it’s fuскing New Year apparently.

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What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

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On new years eve I’m going to start wanking just before midnight and сuм exactly at 12 so I can pretend all the fireworks celebrations are for me.

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My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending I’m Chinese.

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2016: Well 2017, it’s almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my вееr.

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My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it.

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It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year.
We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.

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My new years revolution is to learn how to spell

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I hope my New Year’s Eve night out will be better than last year, when I got arrested in Bradford.
I tried to explain it was a misunderstanding. If I see a Ракi counting down from ten, my immediate reaction is to punch the сunт before he can hit the detonator.

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My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

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