New year jokes

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This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."

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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hеll with them as usual.

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My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

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I hope my New Year’s Eve night out will be better than last year, when I got arrested in Bradford.
I tried to explain it was a misunderstanding. If I see a Ракi counting down from ten, my immediate reaction is to punch the сunт before he can hit the detonator.

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My new years revolution is to learn how to spell

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It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year.
We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.

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My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it.

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2016: Well 2017, it’s almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my вееr.

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My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending I’m Chinese.

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On new years eve I’m going to start wanking just before midnight and сuм exactly at 12 so I can pretend all the fireworks celebrations are for me.

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What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

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I had no idea time zones were so far apart…
Just landed in China and it’s fuскing New Year apparently.

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My New Years resolution for 2014 is gonna be for me to stop procrastinating

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I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution.
1024×768.

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I think women get more excited about New Year’s Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year’s Eve? You get drunк and make a lot of promises you don’t keep. You see, men do that all the time, it’s called dating!!

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I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

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For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sеx.
If 2014 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

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New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

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Holiday Revelers, just remember: …. …..
1) Alcohol is not the 5th food group. …. …..
2) You’re on your own if the parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. …. …..
3) You have a real problem if you have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. …. …..
4) It’s time to quit if the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. …. …..
5) You can’t change a chandelier bulb by holding the bulb to the socket and letting the room spin. …. …..

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My New Year’s Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sеxuаl stamina.
Day two and so far so good.
I just hope I can keep it up.

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